Jesus is on Vacation

Your Lord and Savior has decided to take an extended leave of absence to explore the outer reaches of Heaven. I hear there are some kick ass clubs out there...

Thanks for reading....

Nice try, D-bag

I realize that this isn't a fresh news story, but there is a lot of shit going on up here above the clouds. Sometimes it takes me some time to filter down stories like this to you little people down there.

Anyway, some Douche tried to cash a $50,000 check from my Dad. Listen, brosef, my Dad isn't just handing out $50 g's to morons like you. The idiot signed the check 'King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant.' What? Who does my Dad serve??? I mean if you are going to try and cash a check from my Dad, you might just want to sign it 'God.' But my Dad doesn't even write checks. Straight cash, homey.

Seriously??? $175 mil for this???

Who the FUCK green lit Evan Almighty for $140 MILLION?!?!?! Seriously, was the studio exec completely blacked out drunk, or just on some sort of massive coke binge? How could any sober, sane person say "YES!" to a $140 million budget for EVAN FUCKING ALMIGHTY!!! (And the final budget was a reported $175 million). Did they actually purchase all of the animals in the movie? Did they simply lose $120 million in cash? Maybe the extras were each paid $500,000? I am so confused.

This movie isn't even historically accurate. Why would my Dad (who looks NOTHING like Morgan Freeman) come down and have someone build a retardedly big ark. You have no idea what sort of amazing technology we have up here in Heaven. Sweet teleporting devices, hovercrafts, flying cars, stealth helicopters. All sorts of cool shit. Why would we have someone build a massive ark, unless we were just fucking with them...

Unfortunately, the impressively stupid population of the United States will again allow horrible movies to continue to be made when Evan Almighty makes $70 million this weekend. Good job America... I can't wait for Evan Almightier- Opening Summer 2009!

But Gay Marriage is wrong?

Those wacky Mormons are at it again. Mormons are trying to get Polygamy decriminalized based on religious grounds. I always wondered what sort of wife would even let the topic of a SECOND wife enter into reality without going apeshit and threatening to chop off their soon to be ex-husband's manhood.

This is how I would expect any sort of new "wife" conversation would go:

"Honey, this is my new fiancee. Or, I should say OUR new fiancee. Right?"

"WHAT!?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH!!??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE! AND TAKE YOUR NEW SKANK WITH YOU!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!"

Seriously, how does that conversation go any other way.

Listen Mormons, your "religion" consists of no alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine. That pretty much makes your "religion" suck right from the get go. You should work on having some real fun before trying to marry more than one woman. Oh, but gay marriage is totally sinful, huh...

Uh, I don't know what "God" you are referring to...

Paris Hilton seems to think she has been put in jail as a "message from God." Well I can tell you for a FACT that my Dad certainly didn't talk to her. He has told me on numerous occasions that he is afraid that if he even talks to her he will get some sort of STD. Also, if going to jail was a message from my Dad, he would have told her to stay in jail for MUCH longer than 45 days (or 23, or 3, or however long she ends up staying locked up).

Paris also described her initial days in jail: "I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage." WOW!!! Weird!! I never thought that being in jail would feel like being in a cage. I always figured being in a jail cell would feel very free and open- sort of like sitting in the middle of the ocean or field. I really wonder what Paris thought jail was before she got there. She probably thought it was like a summer camp with arts and crafts, nap time, story hour, horseback riding and water skiing.

"Jail?? COOL! I haven't been to a place like that since I was a little girl! This will be fun! WAIT!!! This is where I sleep!?!? It feels like I am in in some sort of cage!! This is NOTHING like summer camp!"

Sweet ass sweet technology breakthru

I will admit it- I don't put a lot of credibility into many "science" breakthroughs. Science as a whole is fake and fabricated- pretty much like a big budget movie. But the J-Man does get excited about some technology breakthroughs. Some uber-geek virgins at MIT have figured out a way to wirelessly send electrical power. So basically as you walk around, your cell phone will continuously be charging in your pocket (or robe, in my case). Your TV will no longer need wires. Your laptop will always be charged or charging. Pretty cool technology. Now excuse me while I off some MIT uber-geeks to install some wireless power up here in Heaven.

Your prayers have been answered, my children...

I heard all of your prayers PLEADING me to send that arrogant, no good biatch Paris Hilton back to jail. Done and done...

To add Insult to In-jail-ry (I just couldn't resist that one) - Paris was planning a huge party this weekend to celebrate her early release from prison.

66% of Americans are Smart

A recent study done by the USA Today found that 66% of Americans believe in Creationism (which, for those of you who are retarted, is believing in the fact that my Dad made all of you humans less than 10,000 years ago). Only 39% of Americans thought that Creationism is definitely true. Come on, people!! What in Dad's name is being taught down there?

However the poll gets a little confusing. Because 53% of people believe in Evolution. HUH!?!?! According to the poll, 25% of people believe that BOTH evolution and creationism are definitely or probably true.

Basically, J-Dog will break the poll down for you like this:
- 39% of Americans are smart geniuses who are correct.
- 61% of Americans are going to hell for not believing in the hard work my Dad put in to creating the extremely complicated Earth with all of its wonderment.
- 25% of Americans are just plain retarted. How do you believe in BOTH evolution AND creationism. Do you also like to sleep in while getting up early, are you BOTH anorexic AND belimic, tall AND short... Come on.

To end this post on a positive note, at a recent Republican Party (AKA the Christian Party, or Correct Party, Christ's Followers- whatever you prefer) 3 potential Presidential candidates believe in the truth about Creationism. There is hope for you, America!

Sweet Site celebrating Me!

I found a pretty cool site with tons of cool real world images of yours truly. Check it out...

Hell yes I like to go fast!!

Not like I need more name recognition, but I did want my name on a very fast piece of machinery that burns lots of fossil fuel. Just to let you know, I did not pay for this in actual cash. I just answered a few prayers- namely letting the Jesus car win a few races. Watch that rearview mirror, cause the Jesus car is comin up fast!

Do you think they are using it to make a woman?

Hank Blalock, an outfielder for the Texas Rangers, is having a rib removed. "He had been diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome, which affects the nerves that pass through the shoulder" I am pretty sure that is just the reason they are giving to the public. My guess is that they have finally figured out the mystery behind how my Dad turned Adam's rib into Eve. My Dad would never reveal the secret to me, since he knows I would just be yanking peoples ribs out with my bare hands to make tons of hot chicks. Well Hank, you are a brave man. And he is only planning on missing 3 months of the season! A small price to pay to turn your rib into a woman. If she's hot that is. If she is gross, then what a waste of a perfectly good rib...

Don't call it a comeback...

....cause I've been here for years. Like 2000 of them!

I have been absent from my weblogging duties, and many of you have told me you are missing my Heavenly thoughts. I know I have promised to keep up my posts in the past with little return on that promise. Let's just say I will try to update this beautiful website more often without any promises and see what happens...

BOO THIS MAN!!!

India is proving it is probably the most liberal and advanced culture on earth. Richard Gere (of hamster in the butt fame) had the AUDACITY to kiss a woman in public. WHAT!?!?!? BURN HIM! STAB HIS EYES OUT!!!! TORTURE HIM!!! Uhhhhhhhh........ or it's not a big deal. At all? I guess to India it is. Because India has an arrest warrant out for Dick Gere.

According to Judge Dinesh Gupta:

Gere and Shetty "transgressed all limits of vulgarity and have the tendency to corrupt the society."

Uh, bro? You need to lighten up a bit. They just kissed. On the cheek. I am pretty sure you should worry about something else. But obviously in India, they really don't like this sort of behavior. Not only were people buring effigies of Dick, but:

"Such cases against celebrities often filed by publicity seekers are common in conservative India. They add to a backlog of legal cases that has nearly crippled the country's judicial system."

SWEET legal system. These Indians will be in for quite a shock when (or should I say if) they get up to heaven. Because there are times we are just fuckin partying up here. I don't feel the need to get into specifics, but lets just say there is much more than kissing going on. And no clothes. And lots of hot chicks. Yes, you are right, it is really fun up here.

"No Shit" study #4,093,098

Who keeps funding these retarted studies? One of the most recent ones: Breast feeding won't stop obesity! NO FUCKING WAY!!!??? Seriously!???! So you are telling me that if a kid breast feeds, it won't stop them from being a fatty? I mean, I always thought that obesity was a DIRECT result of whether that person sucked some milk from titties as a baby. I figured that genetics, diet, and exercise basically were meaningless in the fat equation. I always thought it was so simple (sucked milk from the boobie = not obese, never sucked milk from a tittie = obese).

These studies keep totally debunking how I thought the world had worked for thousands of years. Next someone is going to try and convince me that diet is directly related to obesity. THAT is where I draw the line, people. I will never believe anything that ridiculous.

I am back in the house!

I took a week off from the web logging. I didn't do anything too significant. Just caught up on my normal, everyday being the Son of God shit. You know- turning water into wine, performing miracles, walking on water, coming back to life, talking to Dad. But I am back to continue the web logging.

(By the way I posted that blasphemous picture so someone could let me know who painted that crap. It is sinful to paint me looking that skinny. I don't look like a pre-op tranny. This is what I look like).

Awesome Friday was Awesome!

I hope everyone down there on Earth enjoyed Awesome Friday as much as I did up here in Heaven. I was pretty drunk and enjoying myself up here, so I did not have time to watch all of you celebrate the new great holiday I created. However, I did observe an impressive group of partiers at the Grand National Rodeo taking place at the Cow Palace in California. I am quite proud of you gentleman, as you really embraced the spirit of what Awesome Friday is all about.

And, as new tradition would have it, Facemelter Saturday now follows Awesome Friday (and on into eternity). Facemelter Saturday, of course, entails partying so hard that your face will likely melt right off of your head into a gelatinous puddle (sort of like this).

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend!

It has been a slow month for your Lord and Savior

I apologize for the inexcusable lack of posts so far this month. I vow to pick up the pace if you vow to pray twice as often to my indisputable awesomeness and power.... Have a good weekend my children. Don't forget to party for Awesome Friday!

Keep your friends Christian and your children Christianer

Are you worried that your children and friends will burn in an eternal Hell for not accepting Me as their personal Lord and Savior? Sure you are. I will return soon, and if you, or those close to you, have not accepted Me, they will not be spared by my wrath! They will burn in the pits of Hell for all of eternity. So, as sort of an instructional video, please watch how this mother handles her son's claim of Atheism.

This mom is SO right! Once you tell a bishop you give yourself to Dad and Me, there is no turning back. You can't just simply change your mind! You told the bishop already! Too, late, dude! And if your child claims Atheism, threaten church EVERY week to prove to them Dad and I are real. Cause we all know- if at first your child doesn't like church, just keep going and going and going. They will learn to love it!

Lastly, and most importantly, if you get desperate for your child to not be damned to eternal Hell, threaten them with no presents on Christmas! Because, as this mom says so perfectly, Christmas, is about Jesus Christ (Yours truly, of course) which logically equals presents. When I died for all of your sins, what I was really hoping to accomplish is a yearly gift giving holiday, with presents for everyone who believes in Me! I would say mission certainly accomplished.

It's Here: AWESOME FRIDAY!

BOOYA!!! Awesome Friday is here! Go out and party accordingly. Good Friday is sooooo yesterday. Awesome Friday is the new sweet holiday. If there is thunder and lightning tonight and into tomorrow, it is because Heaven is partying REALLY hard. If you are planning on dying soon, and plan on getting into Heaven (as always, there IS a guest list. I can't guarantee everyone will get in) but I would go ahead and die before tonight. Tonight's Awesome Friday party is going to be legit. And so it was written...

Sweetest. Zoo. EVER

Yep. That's what it looks like. A Panda watching porn. Panda porn. A zoo in Thailand is trying to get pandas to mate with each other. And their solution, OF COURSE, is to get the pandas to watch some sweet panda bone sessions. That is what I first thought of as well. I wonder if they got any sweet porn directors to direct the Panda porn. Also, does the Panda pull out and nut in the female panda's face? I mean, it would be pretty weak panda porn if they had him finish inside her. I just hope they don't use that one angle right underneath the male panda's balls, cause it is a major turn off to look at a hairy, sweaty dude's butt. Who likes seeing that? I'm just stating facts here...