This is just getting ridiculous

A new research group believes that 4,300 years ago, chimps were using stones as hammers to crack open nuts. This "theory" is ridiculous on so many levels. It is just the continuation of liberals promoting their evolutionary agenda, trying to disprove my teachings, miracles, and basically my entire life, as well as everything my Dad has worked so hard to create on Earth.

I am so sick of all of these evolutionary theorists trying to convince the rest of us sane people that humans came from monkeys. It is just an absurd thing to even think about. Last time I checked, I DO NOT have hair all over my face, hands, legs, back, stomach, and feet. Look at that chimp- it doesn't even look AT ALL like a person. So dumb. Next thing you are going to try and convince me of is that my Dad didn't create the entire universe. I am sick of arguing about this, cause you can't argue with facts. I am going to go perform some miracles to cheer myself up. Anyone have some water? I feel like getting boozed up. On wine! Cause I can turn water INTO wine. You probably already knew that though.

What is the daily special? Giant Rabbit? Hmmmmm... Sounds good, but I will go with the Roasted Dog.

North Korea has turned to Karl Szmolinsky to aide in feeding the nation. Karl breeds extremely large rabbits. He is from East Germany, so there is almost certainly no use of steroids or other chemicals to make the rabbits extra big.

"One adult animal can feed a family of six," Szmolinsky said.

Well that is pretty awesome! A huge, jumbo rabbit for dinner. It should break up the monotony of weekly dinners so they don't have to enjoy dog EVERY night.

Seriously, who saw this?

Eddie Murphy's newest unfunny movie Norbit opened on Friday. I figured it would go quietly into the night with literally nobody ever actually watching it. Well I guess never underestimate the power of Eddie Murphy. I need to check in with Satan downstairs to see if Eddie made any arrangements with him, if you know what I mean. He hasn't made a funny movie in many, many years. Yet, Norbit opened to a $33 MILLION weekend!! Are you serious? Somebody, ANYBODY, confess to seeing this nonsense. I think that there must have been a glitch in the reporting. I would believe 1 or 2 less zeros on that figure. $330,000 is MUCH more believable than $33 mil.

I thought the tag line to the movie "Have you ever made a really big mistake?" was a warning NOT to see the movie, as in "Have you ever made the really big mistake of paying $10 to see a horrible movie and felt like you just threw away 2 hours of your life?"

Wait, she died??

Anna Nicole died last week??? You would think this would be a pretty big news story that someone might cover either on TV or online. I only found out cause she was at the gates of Heaven begging to get in, all hopped up on some sort of pills. I haven't decided what to do yet, but she would be a pretty annoying addition to Heaven. I figure I will let her sober up a bit and see how she acts without all the drugs in her. Since we don't have an endless supply of pills and Trimspa up here, I could see her getting back to her monstrous size and eating every twinkie, cupcake and ho-ho in sight.

The media outlets must be slipping, because you think there would be at least ONE story about her dying. Really weird.

At least they know who to thank

My dad and I got a TON of props last night at the yearly self promotion, ass kissing festival that is the Grammys. It is nice to hear all those celebrities know who to thank for their success and award winning music: My Dad and Me. No one gave us more props than Mary J. Blige, who thanked BOTH my Dad and Me. Awesome. Good work Mary. Most people simply thank Me or my Dad separately, but not both at the same time. Pretty sweet.

I of course did not watch the Grammys. I don't know how anyone can sit thru 3 hours of that garbage. Who votes on the Grammy nominees and winners anyway? Do you have to be 65 years old and up to get a vote? I am surprised that Tony Bennett, Bette Midler, Elvis and Frank Sinatra don't win every award.

I had a slow week of posts

I apologize, my children, for a very lackluster performance on my blog this week. Even your personal Lord and Savior gets lazy from time to time. If all of you pray to me, ask forgiveness for your many sins, and party hard this weekend I will to my best to come back with a vengeance next week.

Enjoy the weekend my loyal followers, and may Dad be with you.

The lesson is: There is no reason to be nice to extremely cheap, money grubbing rich old ladies

A NYC taxi cab driver returned a suitcase full of diamonds to a very cheap old woman yesterday. The driver spent several hours searching for the old hag, and this is AFTER she had tipped him 30 cents on a $9.70 fare. Quick recap: She tipped him 30 cents, she left a case full of diamonds in his car (with a little help from yours truly), and he doesn't get the hint that the miserly old bitch doesn't deserve her diamonds and he returns them. IDIOT! His "reward" for returning the diamonds? The enormous amount of $100. Better open up an offshore account for that! I would put half into a mutual fund, and the other half into stocks. I know a guy, who knows a guy if you want some investment advice.

Why not just change it to Douchey McDoucherson?

A "diehard" Bears fan legally changed his name to Peyton Manning yesterday, after betting a bunch of fans at a bar on Sunday. He proclaimed that if the Bears lost, he would change his name to that of the long necked, commercial loving, hair style dominating favorite of Indy. Now, I am all in favor of paying up on bets (I don't take lightly to late payments. If you make a bet with J-Dog, be prepared for me to collect. Unless you like broken bones and eternity in Hell). But this guy is just an idiot. I mean, he didn't even take the points! Just a straight up bet. Basically a lose-lose. He should have changed his name to "Iamafreakinretardidiotmorondouche Peyton Manning" and just ask that everyone call him by his middle name.

He is SO totally, like, NOT gay

Ted Haggard, the normal, responsible HETEROSEXUAL former of president of the National Association of Evangelicals said yesterday that he has been "healed" and is no longer homosexual.

"His three weeks of counseling, in Phoenix felt like "three years' worth of analysis and treatment," but now "Jesus is starting to put me back together," Haggard wrote in the e-mail message"

First off, I had nothing to do with taking him apart or putting him together. Second, why would anyone think he was a homosexual in the first place? All he did was have a gay relationship with a male prostitute for 3 years. MAYBE if the relationship went on for 9 or 10 years, then he MIGHT be gay. But having sex with a dude for only 3 years?? That's just a phase. Especially when you are a full grown adult with a wife and kids. Totally normal. Sometimes, you may need to have gay sex hundreds and hundreds of times before you realize that it might not be your thing, just like Ted Haggard did.

Sex with dudes and meth has never really been my thing, but listen, Christians, I am glad you worship me and send me tons of cash and all, but could you try and not be so insane? It's starting to bring down my street cred. I am all about partying, naked women, hot tubbing, TV and sports. If you want to punish people for having a little fun, keep my name out of your mouth. But don't forget to keep that money flowin' up to heaven! I didn't die for all of your sins without the promise of long term financial wealth. J-Dog wants to put some new shoes on my brand new Lambo! I may make a lot of money, but I spend a lot of money too. BALLIN!

Plague-ing People Has Never Been So Easy!

There is a new site out there that lets you send plagues to friends via email! Now you can send all of the plagues that people really suffered thru thousands of years ago to anyone! Here is an email I sent to my old friend Peter. I gave him the plague of Boils!! HAHA!! That is gonna SUCK! And here is one I sent to my Mom. She got the plague of lice! And She HATES bugs. HA!

Go here to smite all of your friends and family with a plague. It must be some technological breakthru that the documentary The Reaping came up with. I am disappointed I cannot send the plague of the puking cow, death of the first born, or darkness though. So weak! Cause I was totally gonna Plague my Dad with the puking cow.

Easy Burn Oven

Hasbro is recalling almost a million Easy Bake Ovens because hands and fingers can get stuck in the opening and burn you. Information I could have used YESTERDAY! While I was baking my favorite cookies (the My Little Pony Cutie Cookie of course), I tried to close the door to let them cook. The door slammed shut on my hand, burning me badly. Good thing I am no longer a human, so it didn't even hurt. My frustration is that now I have to return my Easy Bake, and wait for them to ship a new one! How am I supposed to make my Oreo Cake tonight?

I guess I will have to stick to making Sno-Cones from the My Little Pony Sno-Cone machine until I get my new, safe Easy Bake. A sad, sad day in the Kitchen of the Lord. Please pray for a quick arrival of my new oven.

Now THIS is how you get the man of your dreams...

...drive 900 miles (wearing a diaper of course. stopping to go to the bathroom can be SO time consuming), get a mallet, a knife, rubber tubes, garbage bags, a wig, BB gun, pepper spray and try to kidnap the woman who stands in your way! If that is not devotion and love, PLEASE, tell me what is. Oh, and this woman is a U.S. Astronaut.

Lisa Marie Nowak, as an astronaut. Pre 900 mile diaper assisted marathon drive to kidnap the woman interfering with the relationship SHE should be having with her love.

Whaaaaaaa!?!?! This woman is crazy!?!!?! Seriously!??? Come on!! You are just messing with me, right??

The entire news story is here, which contains too many odd details to include. Some of the highlights:

She found out when the other woman was landing at an airport, waited for her to land, got onto the same airport shuttle, and followed her to her car, wearing a wig. "Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, she waited for Shipman's plane to land and then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Shipman took to get to her car, police said." Who hasn't done that AT LEAST once?

"Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Again, totally normal. I mean, they did MORE than just work together, even though it was not romantic. But it could be! SOMEDAY! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU!???!?!

Nowak printed out email conversations between her and her love. Something ALL normal women do. If you don't print out email and IM conversations to prove your love and devotion, you are basically a careless, cold hearted bitch.

I would suggest becoming an astronaut, so you can be trapped in a space shuttle with this normal, caring, loving woman. If only all women could have so much love in their heart.

My new indulgence: baby animal meat

I have gotten really into eating small, baby animals. Call me crazy, but there is something about baby animals that makes them taste so good! I think their tender, young flesh just makes for better eatin'. Oh, the wonderful privileges of being Jesus.

Come forth, little puppy, and let me dine on thy young puppy meat. Children, watch and learn on how to devour a small dog.

You cannot hide, little sheep, as my powerful hand shall swipe you up and make you my dinner!

Thank you, mother tiger, for delivering me my most favorite of meals: baby tiger. You shall be blessed for eternity. Now leave me be so I may rip your baby limb from limb and enjoy the tender meat. Does thou happen have any bar-b-q sauce? Thou shalt not hide the sauce from me!

An ass kicking is on the way...

Spencer on the Hills has a serious beat down coming his way. Sue me for watching bad Reality TV (well, technically you can't sue me since I live in Heaven, I am your Lord and Savior, and if you sued me I would instantly banish you to hell for eternity. But if that is worth your trouble, go right ahead). This serious douche thinks he is a tough SOB, when in reality he is a little punk that needs to get hit by a car. He threatened his girl Heidi's co-worker, but instead looked like just another rich a-hole. After getting in the dudes face, the dude pushed him, to which Spencer responded "Don't touch me, bro, that's assault!"

I COMMAND YOU, MY CHILDREN, TO GO FORTH AND HURT SPENCER THE DOUCHE!!

AND SO IT WAS WRITTEN, THOU SHALT PUNCH SPENCER THE DOUCHE IN THE FACE! AMEN...

(Sorry for the small picture. My infinite powers have once again been thwarted by modern technology)

Paintings from my Super Bowl Party!!

I had several artists working their asses off all day yesterday to capture the wonderful times that is the Annual Heaven Super Bowl Party.



Here is my grand entrance. Look at all the sweet babes playing the trumpet for me. I rock! My parties ALWAYS have the most chicks.

Here is me brewing up Hurricane Ditka for the game. Its really not that hard to get a big storm going when I am so big! I must be a million miles tall! BOOYA!

Of course, I need a foot massage for the entire game. You know how J-Dog does it! Kiss my toes, bitch! What's that? Your hands hurt? Well now your entire body is going to hurt because you just got banished to hell for eternity!! Does anyone else's hands hurt? Didn't think so.

When the game is over, its time for me to collect my winnings. Basically, if you make a bet with Me, be ready to pay up. This loser is begging forgiveness. I ripped his head off 3 seconds later. You just don't come between the Son of God and My money and live to tell about it.

Well, that's all from this years party. Hopefully no one else got their head ripped off.

You are welcome Shawne

"This is God-given talent and that's what I've been showing since I've gotten on a football field. I think over time everybody will see that and know that."

You are welcome, Shawne. Without me, you would not have your great football ability. I don't know why people think you did steroids. So wierd. Just because you test positive for steroids and get a 4 game suspension, people assume you are guilty? All of Shawne's talent has been provided by Me and My powers, so lay off him! Cut him some slack! He was taking a normal supplement with Nandrolone in it. It happens all the time. I mean, just the other day I accidentally sprinkled some anabolic steroids on my eggs. Leave him alone, and let him enjoy the natural talent that I gave him.

Hurricane Ditka + Rex Grossman = Colts Victory

After recieving WAY more prayers from the Bears fans (and by prayers I mean cold, hard cash. I really liked the 108 inch HDTV, John the Pastor in Chicago. Right in time for the game too!)I sent Hurricane Ditka to Miami to try and stop the Colts and Peyton Manning's freak neck. Alas, my super powers could not overcome the ineptitude of Sexy Rexy "The Sex Cannon" Grossman. Man, he really is not that good at the football thing. Rex, if it is not too late, you may want to try a new sport. Or maybe get into selling insurance. Cause I don't think you will be starting for Da Bears next year. Or any other football team in America. I heard the Hamburg Sea Devils may have a roster spot waiting for you.

HE WAS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!!

Rex "The Sex Cannon" Grossman might have partied a little too hard this Super Bowl weekend. I think his main goal of reaching the Super Bowl may have been simply to make sure he was in Miami for all of the sweet parties. He also forgot that this game wasn't three flys up. If it did happen to be the Super Bowl of three flys, he would have been MVP for sure. Also, if there were bonus points for multiple retarted fumbles, he would have dominated that category as well. He may want to consider NEVER going back to Chicago. Ever. Just hire a moving company to get all of your stuff out of there. If your house hasn't been burned down yet that is. I mean, Chicago fans aren't really that passionate, don't hold grudges (they sure let that Steve Bartman one go in a hurry), and don't like to drink, so he should be fine.

HE WAS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!

UPDATE: Grant Hill Injury

Grant Hill, who suffered the first injury of his career last night, explains exactly how his injury happened:

"I have no idea how it happened," Hill said via cell phone Thursday night. "After the game, my lower extremities were sore, as usual, but I didn't think it was anything of great concern. I went home and woke up in the middle of the night, and when I got up to use the restroom, I could hardly walk on it. I wasn't sure if my wife kicked me in the middle or the night or if it was from the game."

It makes sense. If you have NEVER been injured in your lengthy career, you would have NO IDEA how it might feel. His body is basically made of titanium. Actually more like adamantium, the unbreakable metal that makes up Wolverine's skeleton. I hope Grant can mentally recover from missing the first games of his career. The basketball world must continue forward, no matter how painful it might be. Stay strong, fans. Stay strong.

(Picture note: While it may look like Grant is in street clothes on the bench during the game, he is actually so good he often plays entire games in his street clothes. It's to beat the traffic out of the locker room. Genius I say).

Boston officials officially retards

I know, I know. I am a little obsessed with this story from Boston. But it is just so ridiculously ridiculous, especially with all of the Boston officials trying to blame anyone they can when their own retardation got them in trouble in the first place. The first pic is one of the "bombs." I am no modern weapons expert (I whoop ass in hand to hand combat though. 102,030,030-0 in my MMA career up in Heaven) but I have never ever seen a bomb powered by C batteries. Although 4 C batteries might cause quite an explosion I could imagine. The 2nd pic is good too, showing how flat the "bombs" were. Paper thin bombs powered by C batteries have killed millions and millions of people over the years. Good thing the bomb squad came out to diffuse the bombs and save so many lives.

Every Boston official involved in this joke has had the title of "retard" added to their name in the book of Heaven. And believe me, it is REALLY hard to get those things removed from your permanent record. So congrats, retards.