And So It Was Written.....

If thou needeth a parking spot for Church on Sunday, and thou does not feelith like looking for a parking spot, then THOU SHALT DOUBLE PARK!!!

I need to get some of these as guards

Now, you know I am sick of all of you evolutionary theorists trying to drown me your nonsense evolution babble. My Dad created the Earth. End of argument. But I CAN get with chimps using spears as weapons. I just ordered a few to guard the gates of Heaven. The best part is, when they run out of spears, they can just throw their shit. Literally.

By the way, how can you convince me that humans came from monkeys when it took monkeys until now to even figure out how to use a spear. We had swords, spears, catapults, whips, daggers, and tons of other cool weapons back when I was on Earth. And that was thousands of years ago!!! Just more proof against the "theory" of evolution. I think it should be called the "joke" of evolution, cause that's all it really is.

They must have gone to a public school

40% of women in India have never heard of AIDS. I would bet that they probably went to a public school- a school without prayer and My teachings.

"This shows women don't have access to information, translating into more women getting infected," said Anjali Gopalan, head of Naz Foundation India, a leading anti-AIDS group.

I am pretty sure that this shows that there are not enough Churches and Christian schools, translating into: "They have not learned the teachings of Jesus Christ."

I just ordered the sunglasses version

The Phoenix airport will begin using a scanner that can see thru clothes. BOOYA! About time. Didn't they have this in Total Recall? And that was 17 years ago!!! I just ordered mine in the sunglasses version. It cost a bit more, but I also got it with the testitcal and penis blocker. I think it will be well worth the extra cash. I wanna see some boobies and tang, not the fruit bowl! Normally I hate the Oscars, or any awards show for that matter (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING), but now I am pretty excited for the red carpet. Helloooooooooooo Jessica Alba...

Wow.... What a night

I woke up this morning to this. What the hell happened last night? All I know is I must have been thirsty! I passed out after beer # 10,000. And what the FUCK was I doing in Salt Lake City? That place sucks.... I hope there were no paparazzi out last night, cause I might have done some things last night that would hurt my rep.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probably the most accurate depiction of me ever.

A slow day in the house of your Lord

I know, I know.... Lazy day from your Lord and Savior. Some random notes from around the world.

-Tim Hardaway retracted his extremely homophopic statements while being interviewed by lifelong friend Scoop Jackson. Sort of. He said he should'nt have used the word hate, but he doesn't accept anything about a gay person, their lifestyle, and if he saw a gay person he would walk away from them and avoid them. So when he says he doesn't HATE them, he means he only hates them. A lot. Thanks for clearing that up Timmy.

- Britney Spears is doing extremely well, and she seems to be in a great mental place. She shaved her head and entered rehab for the 3rd time in a week. Same thing I do when I am feeling so good. Maybe she is addicted to going to rehab? Who knows, but I am glad she is getting back on her feet so quickly! Wait, Brit, that's not how you use an umbrella!!! Oh, what a joker.

- Anna Nicole's face continues to decompose at an alarming rate. At this pace, her skull will have melted into a gelatinous mass by 6 pm HST today (That's Heaven Standard Time, which means what ever fucking time I decide it is). Her 5 month old daughter was also put into the custody of a lawyer. That kid is in for a super sweet, totally normal life.

- The NBA trade deadline came and went, with nary a good trade to be had. Unless, of course, you have always been praying for a Juan Dixon for Fred Jones monster trade. If that is the case, you just had the best day of your life. You are welcome.

If you have read this far, then I will let you know it is time for J-Dog to go find a quiet, comfy spot of cloud to curl up on a take a nap. Being the Son of God does have its advantages.

Hmmm... Don't think this is a good sign

I am not an official coroner (just something I dabble in from time to time. Fortunately, the souls that are fortunate enough to make it up here are already dead. Their actual rotting human flesh remains buried on earth. Suckers). I am not positive, but pretty sure, that this is not supposed to happen: Anna Nicole's body is decomposing at an alarming rate.

"If the body is to be viewed, it must be done this week, Saturday or before," Perper said. "If it is next week, they cannot guarantee that there won't be changes to affect the deceased, especially to her face."

I HATE it when my face rots faster than normal. It really sucks when that happens. Maybe it was the tons of surgery? "Uhhhhhh, I don't know how to put this, but all the surgery and botox in her face is making it rot faster than an open avocado. Seriously, it is pretty gross. Can we just bury her already? No, I am serious. It is like a gigantic bruised banana." Or maybe the massive weight gains/ losses has something to do with this? The methadone? Alcohol? Drugs? Maybe Trimspa works by decomposing fat. Who knows what the hell is going on with this woman, but even after death, she is still as crazy as ever.

(By the way she seemed pretty together on that video that was released this week that showed her face painted like a clown and not understanding one word of the English language. Seemed just like my typical Thursday morning)

But did they walk on water?

3 athletes just finished running across the Sahara Desert. The whole thing. In 111 days, covering 4,000 plus miles. They AVERAGED about 2 marathons a day.

Throughout the run, the runners have been stricken with tendinitis, severe diarrhea, cramping and knee injuries all while running through the intense heat and wind — often without a paved road in sight.

Wow. Sounds pretty fun. I love to run 40 miles a day while shitting my pants. Actually, there is not too many things on my list of "Super Fun Stuff" above that. Actually, only "Eating shards of glass while being set on fire" is the only thing ahead of "Running across the desert in 100 plus degree heat while shitting my pants with diarrhea." Invite me along for the next run, dudes. I am TOTALLY in. Now excuse me while I go eat a lot of greasy Chinese food, Mexican food, and laxatives and then go on a long run.

NOOOO! Another sports Iron Man gets hurt

First Grant Hill, and now this? What is going on to these seemingly made of steel athletes? What cruelty my Dad must have in his heart these days. Ken Griffey, Jr., the extremely positive, friendly and un-injurable star of the Cincy Reds, broke his hand wrestling with his kids. Griffey has only been on the DL 8 times in his 7 years with the Reds, which is barely more than once per season. And in the last 6 years, he has played a whopping almost 51% of the regular season games. I thought Cal Ripken's record was as good as broken. Griffey said that the wrestling was simply

"Dad being Dad."

That is the same thing that my Dad says when He rains fire from a volcano onto an unsuspecting city!

At this rate, Wild Hogs will be the #1 movie of the year

Wow. Movie goers continue to absolutely blow my mind. Ghost Rider posted a $45 MILLION dollar weekend. WHO SAW THIS!! WHY!!?!?!?! I can condone watching it at home on DVD in 5 months (maybe). But paying $12 to see it in the theater? Just to let you know, you NEVER get those 2 hours back. They are gone. Forever. I hope you enjoyed the 2002 special effects and the cash grabbing Nicholas "I will do your movie. No, seriously. Cast me already" Cage.

Norbit made another $20 million this weekend, bloating the movie's total to over $60 million (about $59.2 million more than I thought it would make). Well, I guess with this logic, Wild Hogs will no doubt smash box office records, with lines down the block and people camping out overnight to get the best seats. I mean, seriously, if someone told me a few years back that there would be a comedy starring Tim Allen, John Travolta AND Ma-in Lawrence, I simply would not believe you. How will all that comedic talent be able to share the same screen? That movie is probably 4 hours long to fit in all the humor. I can't wait. If you need me, you can find me at the local movie-plex in line for Wild Hogs, opening March 2nd! I better hurry down there, I want to be first in line!!!

I thought this was already a fact

Legitimate, scientific studies continue to prove the power of prayer and spirituality. In a study done in Rome(a totally unbiased, mostly non-religious city where ONLY 88% of the population is Roman-Catholic) said that stroke victims healed better when religious faith was present. No shit. How about scientists start studying things that people DON'T know the answers to. Like, how do I turn the stereo on when I am watching TV. Why would I want to do that, you ask? Because I like to party.

Uhhh, I am pretty sure it is NOT that old

See this frog? People are claiming it is 25 MILLION years old! What a joke! I just checked with my Dad, only the most reliable source of information ever because he created everything, even you. And He told me that the entire earth isn't even 25 million years old. It is those DAD-DAMNED evolutionary theorists trying to plant their evolutionary agenda into your mind. Do NOT believe a word they say. If someone tries to convince you that evolution is more than just some wacko theory, you say, "Well God created everything. Even you, you stupid jerk." And when they ask you to prove it, you say, "Wait, it is right here in my pocket," and you reach into your pocket, and when you pull your hand out you just punch them right in their stupid, arrogant, think they know it all face and say "That was straight from God, you stupid liberal pussy! There is your proof! Do you need proof from my other pocket, too?"

New Study: People ate food 6,000 years ago

NO FUCKING WAY!!! I thought 6,000 years ago people were born, and since they didn't know how to eat yet, they just lived until they starved to death. Or maybe they ate, but they didn't have any kick ass food places like Chili's (Awesome Blossom, extra Awesome), In N Out (4x4 animal style), or Applebee's (Eatin fuckin good in the neighborhood, bitch!) so they just ate super boring food like beans and rice. Well, check this shit out:

"New fossil evidence shows prehistoric people from southern Peru up to the Bahamas were cultivating varieties of chilies millennia before Columbus' arrival brought the spice to world cuisine.

"Some people who have described ancient food ways as being simple will probably have to rethink their ideas because of this work," said lead researcher Linda Perry of the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History."

Holy Shit (kind of like the holy shit I just flushed down the toilet)! This will totally make me rethink EVERYTHING about how those ancient retards lived! Wow. That just blew my genius mind. What's next, you are going to find evidence that ancient societies slept and had sex too? Come on, you can only convince me of one absolutely ridiculous thing a day. Now who's up for some Applebee's? My treat, you pay.

Man on Earth says he is Jesus Christ; is wrong (but is also an insane genius)

Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda (or J Lu for short) is claiming to be Jesus Christ (Me). Pretty funny, J Lu. Still only one Jesus. When I come back down to earth, I will be myself. I will not hop into the body of a 60 year old dude. How am I supposed to get all the chicks lookin like that? I will come back as chiseled as ever, since I have a personal chef, and my style has always been on point. Anyway, J Lu is running a huge church, and getting people to buy in to the fact that he is Me. Literally.

"I don’t have one Rolex,” de Jesus Miranda said, “I have 3 because they want to give it to me. It's like that woman that came to Jesus with the expensive perfume and put it on his feet. He didn’t reject it, so when someone gives me a watch or a gift, I receive it. I like them too, they're nice."

BALLIN!! I have a feeling this guy is pretty much insane, but at least he knows how to BALL! I as well do not have one Rolex. I have 3. And by 3 I mean 3 Million. To steal a line from J Lu - I like them too, they're are nice. Especially all iced out.

“He destroyed my family,” said former member Regina Albarracin, who left the church about 5 years ago. Her husband soon followed but their son Alvaro remained to become one of the ministry's biggest financial backers, donating more than $1 million to the church.

This bitch is just jealous. She just wanted the $1 million to herself. Man, J Lu sure knows how to get that money! He also convinced his followers to get "666" tattoos, since he claims there is no devil or hell. Wrong and Wrong, but whatever bro. Keep doing that preachin thing and gettin them Rolexes. Don't hate the preacher, hate his 3 Rolexes and millions of dollars, and thousands of crazy, devoted followers. You know this! BALLIN!!

Apparently, Homeless people are not immune to fire

Huh... I can honestly say I did not know that. I figured that becuase homeless people are a different species, combined with the leather like quality of their skin from the constant exposure the the elements, I would have thought they were immune to catching on fire. Well Mia Sagote and Leslie Siliga, you certainly proved me wrong. Mia and Leslie (fellow hobos) have known Leslie "Jill" "Legs" (seriously- an old nickname, but you never really lose your nickname, do you) May (pictured above) from years of being homeless together. Legs was a crack, heroin addicted former prostitute, at least until Mia and Leslie got their hands on her. They took her to the Candlestick Park parking lot, doused her in gasoline, and set her on fire. Why, you ask? Well, Legs's boyfriend (hold the phone!!! She had a boyfriend???? HOLY CRAP!!!) owed Mia $150. that is a perfectly good reason to kidnap someone, douse them in gas and set them a blazin'. I always collect money owed to me, and I have done much worse for much less money. And when I say much less money I mean much more money- at least $15,000. Anything less than that I just send my hired goons out. It is too much of a hassle.

(The whole story is actually really awful and gruesome, and Legs lived what seemed to be a pretty shitty life. Unless you don't consider your mom dying from alcohol poisioning when you are 12, getting raped and impregnated by your dad at 16, being a prostitute, becoming addicted to crack and heroin, losing all of your teeth, being homeless, then being burned alive all that bad. Then it would be a sweet life. I wouldn't make fun of it if I wasn't Jesus Christ, Son of God, Lord and Savior of all of mankind who wishes to be saved for eternity. But I am, so I can take such liberties)

Going to major extremes to get out of Valentine's Day

I am not a big fan of Valentine's Day. Any made up holiday with the sole purpose of making guys spend excessive amounts of money is not cool with me. Either some genius woman, Hallmark, a chocolate company, or a rose farm came up with it. I am convinced. I know plenty of dudes that try to come up with any excuse possible to avoid the dreaded Valentine's Day date. But some people in India are taking getting out of Valentine's Day to a major extreme.



Hardline Hindu activists protested against celebrations of St Valentine's Day in the Indian capital on Wednesday, calling them immoral and a corruption of the country's ancient civilisation.

Shiv Sena gathered in New Delhi, shouting "Down with Western culture!" and "Death to Valentine's Day!" as they waved saffron-coloured flags.

"Valentine's Day promotes obscene cards and nudity and encourages our youngsters to be publicly affectionate in parks and other places -- this is against our ancient civilisation," said Jai Bhagwan Goyal, head of Shiv Sena in the capital.

Wow... Way to go dudes... Sort of. Well, actually not really. I always thought the best way out of a Valentine's Day date was to just go radio silent, avoid all calls for a few days, and then hit the singles scene at night. Best night to meet girls- they are all super jealous of their friends getting taken out and want a man of their own. And you KNOW if they are out at the bars on Valentine's Day they are definitely single. You reduce the chance of getting the dreaded "Oh, I have a boyfriend" line at the end of the night after buying 5 drinks for her and talking to her for 2 hours to almost zero. Helloooo ladies. Jesus is single and ready to mingle.

But a full on protest, including burning Valentine's Day cards is a bit extreme. Looks like they found a new way to get out of Valentine's Day, I guess. It is not the way I would go about it, but you gotta appreciate their creativity. However, protestor dudes, I don't think that this is the best way to get yourself laid on Valentine's. You might want to reconsider this, calm down a bit and shell out the money next year. Unless your girl is really into protests and burning shit. Then you are IN!

Study: Blind people cannot see, hear hybrid cars

In a new study, hybrid cars have been found to be very dangerous to blind people because they drive with so little sound. First, blind people can't even SEE the cars, and now they can't hear them either? This is certainly a dangerous situation. They should probably install sirens on all hybrids to make sure that everyone can hear them coming. Or pass a law where the driver of the hybrid has to honk really loud before hitting any blind pedestrian. Thaaanks!

Your weekly movie to not see

In between being your personal Lord and Savior, I also try to help you out during your free time on Earth. I will save you about 2 hours of your life, and personally advise you to NOT see Ghost Rider. Nicholas Cage has pretty much reached his:

"We will pay you $4 Mi--"
"YES, I WILL DO IT! I WILL BE IN YOUR MOVIE!!!"
"You don't even know what it is called or what it is about."
"I don't CARE! I will be in the movie. OK? When do I get my check?"

phase of his career. He is slated to star in 4 movies in 2007 and an astounding 5 movies in 2008. Hopefully they can crank out some more scripts for him and he can be in 10 movies next year. I can't really blame him for the shameless cash grabs, but you might want to consider reading the script first. Or maybe at least seeing some of the CGI for Ghost Rider. It looks like a bad video game. For the Playstation. 1.

(In a related story that even Yours Truly could not make up, Nicholas has a REAL Ghost Rider tattoo that he had to cover up during the filming of the movie. Hopefully he got paid extra for that, cause it seems like he will have plenty of free time in between his 38 movie shoots over the next year)

It is Official: I am running for U.S. President in 2008

With all of these new candidates putting their names into the 2008 Presidential Race, I could not hold back my announcement any longer. I am officially running for President of the United States in 2008. I feel that the time and the attitude of the United States is ready to have the honor of Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior of the World, as their leader. I will run on the platform of my supreme awesomeness, and will complete what G Dub B started in transforming the great United States into an official Theocracy. I will be performing many miracles during my nationwide tour, which will no doubt generate plenty of publicity and huge, cheering crowds. I am not sure who my running mate will be, as it is to early to make such an important decision.

More information will be announced in the coming months leading up to the election. But with all of your support, there is no doubt in my mind I will be your next President!

And so it was written: It is your fate- you will vote for Jesus in '08!

It shall be so: Jesus will Dominate in 2008!