Brett Farrrrve coming back to break two more records

The immortal Brett Favre has decided he will not retire and return for the 2007 season, presumably to break not one, but two more records. And with Dad's help, I just KNOW he can do it! The first record will be easy, and is basically Brett's to lose. He has 272 career interceptions, with only George Blanda in his way for the most career picks (277). Brett, you can throw 6 INTs in week one and get that out of the way in a hurry!

However, the second record will be a little more difficult, and will certainly need plenty of help from Dad and Me. The most interceptions he has ever thrown in a season is 29. The record is 42, again held by George Blanda from the 1962 season. Now Brett, I know this is one of the reasons you are coming back, as I heard in your prayers last night. You will need to concentrate hard, and practice practice practice. Because you will need to make it seem like you are throwing it to your own teammates, while overthrowing them and throwing INTs. You should definitely announce that you will retire after the 2007 season prior to the season starting. That way, the Packers won't bench you and let you finish out the season as a farewell tour. Now go practice, Brett. Dad and I will be watching...

Say it ain't so! Cal Ripken of the NBA gets hurt

Grant Hill, widely considered the most durable player in the NBA (if not in all of sports history) has somehow gotten injured. He will miss 2-3 weeks with a knee sprain. I have watched basically every basketball game ever, and Grant Hill was just one of those special players. You just KNEW he would be there every single game, season after season. You could write it down in stone in the pre-season: He will start every game this year. Period. No questions asked.

Now to see him go down with an injury, it really turns my world upside down. Well not literally, as I am not in hell (still in Heaven, kickin it with my fly ladies, 1 million inch HDTV, and unlimited supply of alcohol). He has started 39 of the 46 games this year! That is almost all of them! The last 5 plus seasons, he has played in an amazing 170 of 456 games! Almost 38%!!! That is almost 50%, which if you round up, is 100%!

"According to the Elias Sports Bureau, Hill's streak of 10 consecutive games played from November 27 to December 13 was his longest streak over the last two seasons, and he has never played as many as 20 games without a miss in his seven seasons with the Magic."

So for a player who has played basically every game for the last 5 plus seasons to go down, you know that he must have sinned BAD. I will ask my Dad if he is punishing Grant for anything. What a sad day for basketball.

$10,000 if you can disprove facts

A right wing American group (surprise) is offering $10,000 to anyone who can help disprove global warming.

"The American Enterprise Institute (AEI), which receives funding from oil giant ExxonMobil according to the Guardian, sent letters to scientists in the United States, Britain and elsewhere offering the payments in exchange for articles emphasising the shortcoming of the UN's report."

Good Dad, that is like free money! We all know that global warming is a myth, just like evolution. I guess whoever responds to that letter first is $10,000 richer. And the fact that ExxonMobil is funding the prize should not matter at all.

I actually took this picture of me using a magnifying glass on earth a few years back. A guilty pleasure of mine. I offer one billion dollars to anyone who can disprove my miracles. The billion dollars is being funded by the Vatican and the 700 club.

Your free pass to Heaven is in the mail

Part 3 of the extreme overreaction in Boston earlier this week. The two dudes who put up the blinking LED signs in Boston plead not guilty in court today. After the court appearance, they held a press conference where they would only discuss 1970s hair styles. Awesome. The lawyer said multiple times that they have been advised to not discuss the case, but the idiot reporters kept asking them stupid questions and saying "You aren't taking this seriously!"

These guys get two free passes up to the pearly gates of Heaven. My Dad and I love a good sense of humor. And, Good Dad, the people in Boston overreacted. I love how no one in the U.S. can take blame for a fuck up. Always gotta blame someone else. I smell multiple lawsuits.

Video of the press conference here.
Video of them putting up the advertising "bombs" here.

Oh, those wacky Mormons

I have never really had much contact with Mormons (Trust me, Dad and I don't let them into heaven). I can't get with anyone that doesn't drink or have sex before marriage. No pre-marital sex is basically the biggest sin there is. I get mail from fans and followers from time to time. A loyal Jesus devotee sent me this pictue of Mormon underwear, called "temple garments." Now I don't know what the fuck those things are, but I've been told it represents the sacred and personal aspects of their relationship with God. I don't know if this "God" they are referring to is Dad, but TRUST ME, he does NOT want women wearing that crap. If I know one thing about Dad, he likes chicks, and the less amount of clothes the better. While Mormons may call these things "holy underwear," the only thing Dad or I would endorse as "Holy Underwear" would be some kick ass lingerie worn by a super hot model. Now excuse me while I go drink a soda, a beer, a coffee, take a shot of tequila, and have some pre-marital sex. Text me from hell, Mormons.

G Dub B Praises America's Theocracy

G Dub B spoke at the 55th Annual National Prayer Breakfast today, celebrating America's love of praying.

"You know, it's is an amazing country, isn't it, when people from all walks of life gather to recognize our dependence on an Almighty God, and to ask him for blessings in our life. I think a breakfast such as this speaks to the true strength of the United States of America."

So true. It definitely IS an amazing country, where by far the majority of the population still believe in my Dad and I, and clasp their hands together to try and talk to us. I died and came back to life roughly 2000 years ago, and people still read and follow my factual messages, and believe in my proven miracles. So awesome!

"In many congregations and homes across this great land, people also set a time -- set aside time to pray for our nation and those entrusted with authority, including our elected leaders."

You Americans should be so proud! Even the people you elect to office to lead the country still believe in Me! You are in such good, educated, and logical hands!

And so it was written...you shall pray unto my greatness today! And thou shalt be saved!

Who can we blame?! We gotta point the finger at SOMEONE!!!

Following up from yesterday's story about the Aqua Teen Hunger Force advertising signs (one is seen in the pic) bringing Boston to a standstill, 2 people have been arrested on charges of

"placing a hoax device in a way that results in panic, as well as one count of disorderly conduct"

Are these even real charges, or did Boston make these up yesterday? How about arresting some Boston officials for "severe and negligent overreaction," "obscene parananoia," and "general stupidity." I would expect a lawsuit is in the works as well, as Americans sure love 'em some suin!

"Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis called it "unconscionable" that the marketing campaign was executed in a post 9/11 era. "It's a foolish prank on the part of Turner Broadcasting," he said. "In the environment nowadays ... we really have to look at the motivation of the company here and why this happened."

Seriously! Americans should not be able to laugh, joke, yell, or smile, as this could lead to severe panic. After 9/11, jokes stopped being funny. Its a fact. Stay inside your houses, and watch the news for updates. Fortunately, the panic level in Boston dropped from a high of "AAAAAHHHHH, THE WORLD IS ENDING!!! WE ARE BEING ATTACKED!!! NOW!!!! AAAAHHHHHHH" yesterday to a level of only "I think that dog is a terrorist! That poop could be a bomb!" today.

Americans are Dumb, Paranoid

Boxes with images of these (hilarious) characters from Aqua Teen Hunger Force basically shut down Boston today. 9 "suspicious" packages were found around the Boston area, and the city went into shut down, panic, "THOSE MUST BE BOMBS, AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" mode. I understand that much of the world doesn't like America, but Americans sure have taken terrorism panic to a new and frightening level. I was amused from my perch in heaven, watching the dozens of bomb squad "experts" take down the "horrible," harmless packages. I will not be one bit surprised when an entire city soon gets shut down from hundreds of "suspicious" packages that all turn out to be tree branches on the road after a storm.

Snake enjoys dogmeat; dogs are very slow

This monster 23 foot (23 feet!!) snake apparently ate 11 guard dogs, who were protecting a fruit orchard. The news story makes no mention of what breed of dog these were, so I have to assume that they were either Pomeranian or Chihuahuas. The guard dogs we employ to protect heaven would never be humiliated by a snake. Our dogs do carry fully automatic weapons and have their teeth sharpened into razor sharp knives that can slice off a man's head with a single bite, but still. If this one snake ate up 11 of these guard dogs, what in Dad's name were these dogs supposed to protect the orchard from? Spiders, rats and flys?

In a related story, this snake has just signed on to star in Anaconda 9: Attack of the Python.

This week... when nothing happens.....(part 2)

24... Another show that I for some reason force myself through each week, while nothing happens. I don't quite understand why everyone is in love with this show. Here is every episode: "Last time on 24"... "The following takes place from 10:00 am to 11:00 am"... 20 minutes of filler...1 plot twist.. 15 minutes of filler...one secret is revealed... an explosion at the end...BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP....

Now repeat that for 23 more hours, and you have a season of 24. I find the 7th grade bickering between the staff members of CTU to be very realistic as well. I really hope America's entire justice department argues like 12 year olds, holds major grudges, and have 25 year old managers. Jack Baeur is pretty sweet though. I think we need an entire army of Jack Baeurs, John McLaines, 1992 Steven Segals, Chuck Norrises, and Tecmo Bowl Bo Jacksons. Every terrorist would be dead within a week.

BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP...

This Week....On Heroes....When Nothing Happens...

I have watched every episode of Heroes so far. Why? I honestly don't know. After each week's episode, I feel like I just flushed 40 minutes of my infinite life down the shitter. Is it mildly entertaining? Yes. Are some of the characters and their powers cool? Yes. Are most of the plot lines retarded and unnecessary? Definitely. Is the show way too drawn out with very little to nothing happening every episode? Absolutely. I understand that TV shows are basically 20 hour movies, so there will be tons of filler, but I feel that they can still make more happen per episode. All I know is the creators and editors of the "next week's episode" trailers are the real geniuses. They take an hour of nothing happening, chop it into 30 seconds, and all of a sudden you forgot about the last hour of crap, and can't wait for next week's episode...when NOTHING happens.... again

Weight Room!!

An eagle gravely miscalculated its own strength when it tried to fly with a deer head in its mouth. The more than likely out of shape eagle (eagle obesity is the eagle community's #2 problem behind beak disease) was pulled down by the weight of the deer head, hitting electrical lines, killing itself and knocking power out to residents in Alaska (they have electricity in Alaska??). While you may be wondering: "Why, Jesus, would you let such a brave and majestic animal be killed?" I have neither the time nor the energy to keep an eye on all of Dad's creatures. What, am I supposed to work all day, everyday? No thanks. Now are you going to finish that deer head, or can I have the rest?

I Can't Wait for Saw 32!!!

"My name is Jigsaw. You have watched many movies before. Many of them have entertained you. This particular movie will be filled with an unnecessary combination of flashbacks and over the top gore. You will sit through this movie. You will not know why. At the end, you will be very disappointed. Despite this, there will be a Saw 4. You will probably watch that too, and again, be disappointed."

I decided to watch Saw 3 last night, and I should have known better. Basically an hour and a half of a nonsense, ridiculous plot with tons of gross you out flesh ripping. But Saw 4 is supposed to be coming out in 2007! Hopefully they make a Saw movie a year for the next 50 years! If we can promise to keep seeing them, I am sure the studio will oblige. I know what I will be doing on October 26th, 2007.

Just Don't Say I Didn't Warn You...

I am a pretty powerful dude. Like, pretty much the most powerful EVER, except for my Dad, and all HE ever did was create the entire Earth, you, and everything you are touching and looking at. That's all. I warned you that if I continued to read about the horse Barbaro, some bad things may end up happening. Let's just say there were multiple news stories last week alone about Barbaro, and he didn't make it through the weekend. I won't go into details, but I managed to make a few calls and pull a few strings. When I say something, you just might want to listen. Probably even write it down. Better yet, put it in your PDA or day planner. That is more of an order than a suggestion.

For $15 grand you get.... a coffee stained piece of paper?

Some fool on eBay is selling a coffee stained piece of paper for $15,000, claiming that I "miraculously" put my image in it. They think I am showing my face in "this time of need." Need for what?? More coffee? Why would I make an image out of myself in coffee? And that doesn't even LOOK like me. Someone explian to me why I would want to make an image out of a coffee stain and not have it resemble my classic handsome features and ripped, muscular physique. But I will tell you one thing. If I hear of some other douche wiping their ass, and claiming a shit stain on a piece of toilet paper looks like me, that will be the last straw. When you see "The Shit Stain Jesus Miracle" on eBay, prepare for the Apocalypse.

"Ummmm, yea. I am going to have a hard time coming up with that sort of cash."

New York business owner Karl Kemp is suing several homeless people who sleep (among other things) in front of his store. And he wants cash. And that cash amount is $1,000,000. That's one million dollars, if you can't read numbers. I am not a genius (Well actually I am.

1600 on my SATs. And they hadn't even been invented yet. Suck on that) but homeless people often don't have $1million bucks lying around. If I was a business owner, I wouldn't really want people dropping dueces in front of my store either, I just think Karl may have a really tough time collecting that cash. Maybe they can settle out of court for 10 half smoked cigarettes and a half drank bottle of Carlo Rossi.

Stinky Bum Cinemas presents:

100 homeless people in Washington were allowed into a movie theater for a screening of the latest Will Smith movie I won't ever see, Pursuit of Happyness. The story is of Will Smith going from homeless to successful business man. I am glad I was not in that theater. My only question is: did they send in a Haz-Mat team to clean the theater, or did they simply burn it to the ground after the screening? No offense homeless people (as they are always thanking Me and my Dad) but I don't really want to sit in a seat stained by your feces and urine laden pants. I said "no offense," so you can't get mad. No showers = really bad BO. Its simple science. Look it up.

We felt that up here

My Dad and I have really gotten into the UFC. WAY better than boxing- and way more great fights. My Dad and I like to get some cold adult beverages, and watch people punch and kick each other in the head. Multiple times. For example, watch this video from last night. Rashad Evans REALLY enjoys kicking people in the face. And then they go to sleep. (With a few unnecessary punches at the end while the dude is out cold).

Is that a towel in your lung, or are you just happy to see me?

Now your Lord and Savior may not have a "medical degree" from an "accredited university," (they told me I could advance my career!) but I DO know that towels are not supposed to remain in your lung AFTER surgery. I learned THAT on day one of my online courses. The wonderful Dr. Jeffry Miller (did he miss the first day of class?) FORGOT a green surgical towel in his patient's lung. Uhhhhhhhhh, I am not positive, but I don't think that was part of the procedure. "We are going to perform the procedure, leave a towel in your lung, and you will be out of here, good as new!" The patient lived for 7 years with a TOWEL IN HER LUNG, dying in 2002. I just saw her walk by, still mumbling something about a stupid retard doctor (she has been doing that nonstop for 5 years). Doc, I wouldn't expect to be seeing her OR me any time soon. Or ever. Just thought I should let you know. Leaving a towel in someone's lung is a sin. Look it up. It's science.

Get My Lawyers on the Phone. NOW!

What. The. Fuck. That toy is supposed to be Me???? There will be lawyers knocking down your door soon, The God Squad and Friends. I would never approve a gay doll of myself. Jesus Comes 2 Play? More like Gay Jesus Comes 2 be Gay. Libel and slander all over the place. Any likeness of me should be ripped, muscular, and masculine. Kinda like He-man. With a beard. And a robe. Something like this is totally acceptable (I really like my gun and throwing nails. Nice touch). I DO NOT look like a chick. And I would NEVER wear capris, or that gay headband with stars on it. AND you can remove my clothes! I better have a life size 10" under those capris. They didn't really do Moses any favors with his doll either. Justice will be mine. What bullshit.