BOO THIS MAN!!!

India is proving it is probably the most liberal and advanced culture on earth. Richard Gere (of hamster in the butt fame) had the AUDACITY to kiss a woman in public. WHAT!?!?!? BURN HIM! STAB HIS EYES OUT!!!! TORTURE HIM!!! Uhhhhhhhh........ or it's not a big deal. At all? I guess to India it is. Because India has an arrest warrant out for Dick Gere.

According to Judge Dinesh Gupta:

Gere and Shetty "transgressed all limits of vulgarity and have the tendency to corrupt the society."

Uh, bro? You need to lighten up a bit. They just kissed. On the cheek. I am pretty sure you should worry about something else. But obviously in India, they really don't like this sort of behavior. Not only were people buring effigies of Dick, but:

"Such cases against celebrities often filed by publicity seekers are common in conservative India. They add to a backlog of legal cases that has nearly crippled the country's judicial system."

SWEET legal system. These Indians will be in for quite a shock when (or should I say if) they get up to heaven. Because there are times we are just fuckin partying up here. I don't feel the need to get into specifics, but lets just say there is much more than kissing going on. And no clothes. And lots of hot chicks. Yes, you are right, it is really fun up here.

"No Shit" study #4,093,098

Who keeps funding these retarted studies? One of the most recent ones: Breast feeding won't stop obesity! NO FUCKING WAY!!!??? Seriously!???! So you are telling me that if a kid breast feeds, it won't stop them from being a fatty? I mean, I always thought that obesity was a DIRECT result of whether that person sucked some milk from titties as a baby. I figured that genetics, diet, and exercise basically were meaningless in the fat equation. I always thought it was so simple (sucked milk from the boobie = not obese, never sucked milk from a tittie = obese).

These studies keep totally debunking how I thought the world had worked for thousands of years. Next someone is going to try and convince me that diet is directly related to obesity. THAT is where I draw the line, people. I will never believe anything that ridiculous.

I am back in the house!

I took a week off from the web logging. I didn't do anything too significant. Just caught up on my normal, everyday being the Son of God shit. You know- turning water into wine, performing miracles, walking on water, coming back to life, talking to Dad. But I am back to continue the web logging.

(By the way I posted that blasphemous picture so someone could let me know who painted that crap. It is sinful to paint me looking that skinny. I don't look like a pre-op tranny. This is what I look like).

Awesome Friday was Awesome!

I hope everyone down there on Earth enjoyed Awesome Friday as much as I did up here in Heaven. I was pretty drunk and enjoying myself up here, so I did not have time to watch all of you celebrate the new great holiday I created. However, I did observe an impressive group of partiers at the Grand National Rodeo taking place at the Cow Palace in California. I am quite proud of you gentleman, as you really embraced the spirit of what Awesome Friday is all about.

And, as new tradition would have it, Facemelter Saturday now follows Awesome Friday (and on into eternity). Facemelter Saturday, of course, entails partying so hard that your face will likely melt right off of your head into a gelatinous puddle (sort of like this).

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend!

It has been a slow month for your Lord and Savior

I apologize for the inexcusable lack of posts so far this month. I vow to pick up the pace if you vow to pray twice as often to my indisputable awesomeness and power.... Have a good weekend my children. Don't forget to party for Awesome Friday!

Keep your friends Christian and your children Christianer

Are you worried that your children and friends will burn in an eternal Hell for not accepting Me as their personal Lord and Savior? Sure you are. I will return soon, and if you, or those close to you, have not accepted Me, they will not be spared by my wrath! They will burn in the pits of Hell for all of eternity. So, as sort of an instructional video, please watch how this mother handles her son's claim of Atheism.

This mom is SO right! Once you tell a bishop you give yourself to Dad and Me, there is no turning back. You can't just simply change your mind! You told the bishop already! Too, late, dude! And if your child claims Atheism, threaten church EVERY week to prove to them Dad and I are real. Cause we all know- if at first your child doesn't like church, just keep going and going and going. They will learn to love it!

Lastly, and most importantly, if you get desperate for your child to not be damned to eternal Hell, threaten them with no presents on Christmas! Because, as this mom says so perfectly, Christmas, is about Jesus Christ (Yours truly, of course) which logically equals presents. When I died for all of your sins, what I was really hoping to accomplish is a yearly gift giving holiday, with presents for everyone who believes in Me! I would say mission certainly accomplished.

It's Here: AWESOME FRIDAY!

BOOYA!!! Awesome Friday is here! Go out and party accordingly. Good Friday is sooooo yesterday. Awesome Friday is the new sweet holiday. If there is thunder and lightning tonight and into tomorrow, it is because Heaven is partying REALLY hard. If you are planning on dying soon, and plan on getting into Heaven (as always, there IS a guest list. I can't guarantee everyone will get in) but I would go ahead and die before tonight. Tonight's Awesome Friday party is going to be legit. And so it was written...

Sweetest. Zoo. EVER

Yep. That's what it looks like. A Panda watching porn. Panda porn. A zoo in Thailand is trying to get pandas to mate with each other. And their solution, OF COURSE, is to get the pandas to watch some sweet panda bone sessions. That is what I first thought of as well. I wonder if they got any sweet porn directors to direct the Panda porn. Also, does the Panda pull out and nut in the female panda's face? I mean, it would be pretty weak panda porn if they had him finish inside her. I just hope they don't use that one angle right underneath the male panda's balls, cause it is a major turn off to look at a hairy, sweaty dude's butt. Who likes seeing that? I'm just stating facts here...

Happy Easter!!!

Have a wonderful Easter, my children. However, what the fuck does this bunny have to do with my resurrection? I looked up Easter Bunny on Wikipedia, and it clarified nothing. I came back to life for your sins, and you now celebrate by glorifying a rabbits and the colorful eggs they poop out? It is not even logical! Rabbits don't even make eggs! If you happen to be at the mall this weekend buying me gifts, and you see on of those retarted dudes dressed up in a giant bunny suit, go punch him right in his head. Better yet, run up to him and take off his Giant Bunny head and reveal the truth to all the kids there. And you can say that Jesus told you to do it. Everyone will believe you, because it is true. And I said so.

And so it was written.....

the Friday following Good Friday shall be Awesome Friday! An on into eternity!

Good Friday is sweet, don't get me wrong. I definitely want all of you to celebrate my resurrection. I mean, I came back to life for you and your sins! The LEAST you can do is go and remember the amazing occasion. I would suggest booze and chicks. Cause that combination always makes for a sweet party. The equation, I think invented by the great Pope John Party III, looked something like this: Good Booze + Hot Chicks = Sweet Ass Party.

So go and celebrate my wonderful resurrection, my children. And then next Friday (Awesome Friday) you should celebrate EVEN MORE! Cause it is AWESOME!

Since when is $1,000 a week excessive for house cleaning???

Lawrence Small resigned as the top official from the Smithsonian Institute, following heavy criticism of his spending habits of Institute money. I think that the criticism may be a bit out of line. Small charged the Smithsonian over $1.1 million since 2000. Part of that $1.1 mil included $273,000 for house cleaning. That is less than $1,000 a week! I want someone to explain to me how you can keep a house clean for less than that! I figure with today's inflation, house cleaning would be AT LEAST $2,000 a week. Another $2,500 went to cleaning a chandelier. A paltry $35 a month. What is the big deal? In total, he was charging the Institute just over $15,000 a month.

You may think I am a bit out of touch with the current state of monetary affairs on your world, but I just don't see how anybody in today's modern world can get by on less than $15,000 a month. I just estimated how much my expenses would be if I lived on Earth, and my electricity bill alone would be over $50,000 a month. (Powering up over 200 flat screens a day and a nightly light show takes some juice!). Luckily up here in heaven, we just get the Mormons to ride bikes and walk on treadmills to generate our power. We figured that they love to walk and ride bikes so much, why not let them do it for eternity. It's a win-win.

Is it a coincidence.....

...that Korea is cloning dogs and wolves? I think not. You are telling me they couldn't have cloned a fish, cow, bull, rabbit, duck, chicken or turkey? They HAD to clone a dog and a wolf? In a country that supposedly eats dog meat, it is just a little too obvious when they start scientifically creating more of that same animal. I'm just sayin...

Apparently, criminals only eat pizza

I think I may move from my lovely, palatial estate made of clouds to the wonderful suburbs of Cincinnati. If you are lucky enough to live near the 'Nati, you may get to see the pictures of deadbeat parents on your next pizza box! If there is one thing that I always wanted to see right before I eat pizza, it is most certainly pictures of parents who are delinquent on child support! Man, this supreme pizza is going to taste amazing now! It is really the logic of the idea that I am most impressed with:

The idea came to Cynthia Brown, executive director of the Butler County Child Enforcement Agency, while she was ordering pizza.

"It suddenly dawned on me that most people running from the law don't eat out, they order pizza," said Brown, whose county is north of Cincinnati.

That makes perfect sense!!! I would say that almost every worker in any restaurant in the country knows the face of EVERY deadbeat parent. No question about it. So OF COURSE these criminal parents would stay out of any possible food establishment. So if they aren't going to restaurants, they MUST be ordering food in. And if they are ordering food in, that means only one conclusion!!! PIZZA!!! Either Cincinnati is so backwards that there are no other food joints that deliver (hmmmm...... Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Indian, Mexican, Meals on Wheels- you are telling me NONE of these deliver?) or maybe deadbeat parents just simply LOVE pizza.

Either way, Cynthia Brown, you are a genius! In fact, you are so smart, that you have just been elected mayor of Boston! Congratulations. Your first order of business as the mayor is to watch out for the bombs made of burritos! They lurk at every Mexican food stand in your beautiful city!

His logic is awesome!

Soccer star Romario is about to score his 1,000th goal! Now these goals may not have been in "official" matches, but who cares! He is counting "unofficial" goals, that even include youth soccer games.

"These numbers are not mine, I never had the time to count them myself. The counting was done by professionals. If I'd counted them myself, there would be around 3,000."

Awesome! He knew how good he would be back in the day, and hired professional goal counters when he was a kid. Such amazing foresight. And either he can't count (1,000 isn't exactly the sames as 3,000) or he would be counting goals scored in practice, too.

More importantly, we should use this logic in all sports, as well as other aspects of life. When someone asks you how much money you made last year, say "I am almost at $1 billion!" (You don't need to mention that most of that is Monopoly money). Barry Bonds might hit 400 home runs this year (363 would be in batting practice though). You could say you can bench 2,000 pounds (not in one rep). This Romario guy is a freakin genius!

Best swimming race. Ever

I am not a big fan of swim races. (Although I DOMINATED all swimming events back at West Jerusalem High. I can walk on water! BOOYA! It is a nice power to have for swim races). Watching people swim is really boring. Especially when the race is 10k. That is over 2 hours!!! But whoever is the promoter of this event just may have found a way to get me to watch. Add jellyfish to the equation. Awesome!

No one really looked like a winner when it was over. They staggered onto dry land, just glad to have survived 6.2 miles of cool waters, rough tactics and all those nasty creatures lurking beneath the surface of Port Phillip Bay.

"I could hear girls screaming on the first lap when they got stung," said Ilchenko, who defended her 10k world championship after winning a fourth consecutive 5k title Sunday.

Now THAT is a swim race. Maybe next time they can have jet ski-ers with tazer guns shooting girls if they go to slow. And sharks with freakin lazer beams on their heads. Whoever put this race together is an entertainment genius. This could be the first televised swim event where more than just the families and friends of the swimmers would watch.

I don't think that was in the job description

An intern at the U.S. National Archives got caught trying to sell over a hundred Civil War artifacts on eBay. I am not positive, since I have never been an intern, and would never take an unpaying job, but I don't think that selling Civil War artifacts on eBay was a part of the job description.

"Intern with the U.S. National Archives! Learn U.S. History first hand! No direct payment, but if you manage to steal artifacts you may be able to sell them on eBay! Entrepreneurial spirit welcome!"

Oh, and the intern is 40 years old. What!?!?! If I was 40 and living on earth right now, I am pretty sure I would want a job that pays me cash. And the total value of the 165 items? About $1,000. What was he selling? Jars of Civil War "air?" "Emails" from Abe Lincoln? I would have guessed that Civil War era artifacts would fetch more than $6 a piece. Obviously, I don't know shit about the value of Civil War stuff.

Look, we are going to make you say sorry. But it has to be formal

Asia and the United States are reqeusting that Japan begin a new investigation regarding forced sex slavery during WWII. And aplogize. Formally. I guess China, North and South Korea, and the Philippines are still really pissed that their women were forced to work at Japanese military brothels.

Historians say that about 200,000 women — mostly from Korea and China — served in Japanese military brothels throughout Asia in the 1930s and 1940s.

Damn, that is a lot of sex slaves! I guess I missed the prime time to visit Japan. The U.S. and Asia want Japan to apologize for the forced whore-ism. The thing is, Japan already MADE an apology way back in 1993. Now they want the apology to be formal. Rumor is, when Japan made the apology back in '93, they were just wearing a ripped pair of shorts, sandals and a "Gimme' Head Till I'm Dead" T-shirt. Somebody needs a sense of humor. While that is pretty informal, the shirt is a funny touch. Now Asia and the U.S. are making this apology a black tie affair- something REALLY formal and classy. The apology event will probably even have crab cakes and pigs in a blanket!

6 year naps aren't quite enough for some people

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for the last 6 years woke up this week for several days, before slipping back.

"I'm fine," Christa Lilly told her mother on Sunday — her first words in eight months. She has awakened four other times for briefer periods since suffering a heart attack and stroke in November of 2000.

Damn this chick likes to sleep. Apparently "I'm fine" means "I am still HELLA tired, now leave me alone so I can relax for few more years." The creepiest part?

A vegetative state is much like a coma except Lilly's eyes remain open.

Ummmm.... Ok. That wouldn't be weird at all. Watching someone just lay there with their eyes open and not responding or talking at all? Hmmm...Maybe that is the reason why my Dad couldn't live with my Mom. ZING!!!

Wow, NASA is strict!!!

The passionate, insane, wearing a diaper and shitting her pants astronaut Lisa Nowak was wrongfully terminated by NASA today. What the fuck??? Can't an honest, loving woman catch a break anymore? All she did was drive across the country to try and make the love of her life fall in love with HER, and maybe kidnap the dude's girlfriend. Or whatever. I certainly don't see what is wrong with that. The point being, she should be rewarded for her passion, not punished. Who wouldn't want to be stuck in a space shuttle orbiting earth with this perfectly sane woman? Fortunately for her, the Navy doesn't care as much if you wear a diaper to avoid those pesky road side rest stops and then try to kidnap someone.

She will be assigned to the staff at the Chief of Naval Air Training in Corpus Christi, Texas, starting in two weeks, Navy Cmdr. Lydia Robertson said. Robertson said she didn't know what specific job Nowak would be doing.

I have not been in the military, but my first thoughts about what she would be doing might involve "using a toilet to take a shit," "not kidnapping people," and "avoiding felony crimes." I could be WAY off on those, but they would probably be my first guesses.

How are these worth anything???

Godless coins??? My Dad is going to be pissed. If there are lots of storms, earthquakes and tsunamis in the near future, at least you will know the reason. A mega-fuck up at one of the U.S. Mints produced coins without "In God We Trust," which is basically the motto for the United States. If you don't trust in my Dad, who DO you trust???? There are 50,000 of these Godless coins floating around, some going for around $50. I hope good Christians are paying the $50 to get the coins and stamp "In God We Trust" on the coins themselves. Either that or destroy them. The only other acceptable reason for this fuck up is that the Mint just didn't have the "In Jesus We Trust" stamp ready to go. Which is probably what happened, now that I think about it.