BOO THIS MAN!!!

India is proving it is probably the most liberal and advanced culture on earth. Richard Gere (of hamster in the butt fame) had the AUDACITY to kiss a woman in public. WHAT!?!?!? BURN HIM! STAB HIS EYES OUT!!!! TORTURE HIM!!! Uhhhhhhhh........ or it's not a big deal. At all? I guess to India it is. Because India has an arrest warrant out for Dick Gere.

According to Judge Dinesh Gupta:

Gere and Shetty "transgressed all limits of vulgarity and have the tendency to corrupt the society."

Uh, bro? You need to lighten up a bit. They just kissed. On the cheek. I am pretty sure you should worry about something else. But obviously in India, they really don't like this sort of behavior. Not only were people buring effigies of Dick, but:

"Such cases against celebrities often filed by publicity seekers are common in conservative India. They add to a backlog of legal cases that has nearly crippled the country's judicial system."

SWEET legal system. These Indians will be in for quite a shock when (or should I say if) they get up to heaven. Because there are times we are just fuckin partying up here. I don't feel the need to get into specifics, but lets just say there is much more than kissing going on. And no clothes. And lots of hot chicks. Yes, you are right, it is really fun up here.

"No Shit" study #4,093,098

Who keeps funding these retarted studies? One of the most recent ones: Breast feeding won't stop obesity! NO FUCKING WAY!!!??? Seriously!???! So you are telling me that if a kid breast feeds, it won't stop them from being a fatty? I mean, I always thought that obesity was a DIRECT result of whether that person sucked some milk from titties as a baby. I figured that genetics, diet, and exercise basically were meaningless in the fat equation. I always thought it was so simple (sucked milk from the boobie = not obese, never sucked milk from a tittie = obese).

These studies keep totally debunking how I thought the world had worked for thousands of years. Next someone is going to try and convince me that diet is directly related to obesity. THAT is where I draw the line, people. I will never believe anything that ridiculous.

I am back in the house!

I took a week off from the web logging. I didn't do anything too significant. Just caught up on my normal, everyday being the Son of God shit. You know- turning water into wine, performing miracles, walking on water, coming back to life, talking to Dad. But I am back to continue the web logging.

(By the way I posted that blasphemous picture so someone could let me know who painted that crap. It is sinful to paint me looking that skinny. I don't look like a pre-op tranny. This is what I look like).

Awesome Friday was Awesome!

I hope everyone down there on Earth enjoyed Awesome Friday as much as I did up here in Heaven. I was pretty drunk and enjoying myself up here, so I did not have time to watch all of you celebrate the new great holiday I created. However, I did observe an impressive group of partiers at the Grand National Rodeo taking place at the Cow Palace in California. I am quite proud of you gentleman, as you really embraced the spirit of what Awesome Friday is all about.

And, as new tradition would have it, Facemelter Saturday now follows Awesome Friday (and on into eternity). Facemelter Saturday, of course, entails partying so hard that your face will likely melt right off of your head into a gelatinous puddle (sort of like this).

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend!

It has been a slow month for your Lord and Savior

I apologize for the inexcusable lack of posts so far this month. I vow to pick up the pace if you vow to pray twice as often to my indisputable awesomeness and power.... Have a good weekend my children. Don't forget to party for Awesome Friday!

Keep your friends Christian and your children Christianer

Are you worried that your children and friends will burn in an eternal Hell for not accepting Me as their personal Lord and Savior? Sure you are. I will return soon, and if you, or those close to you, have not accepted Me, they will not be spared by my wrath! They will burn in the pits of Hell for all of eternity. So, as sort of an instructional video, please watch how this mother handles her son's claim of Atheism.

This mom is SO right! Once you tell a bishop you give yourself to Dad and Me, there is no turning back. You can't just simply change your mind! You told the bishop already! Too, late, dude! And if your child claims Atheism, threaten church EVERY week to prove to them Dad and I are real. Cause we all know- if at first your child doesn't like church, just keep going and going and going. They will learn to love it!

Lastly, and most importantly, if you get desperate for your child to not be damned to eternal Hell, threaten them with no presents on Christmas! Because, as this mom says so perfectly, Christmas, is about Jesus Christ (Yours truly, of course) which logically equals presents. When I died for all of your sins, what I was really hoping to accomplish is a yearly gift giving holiday, with presents for everyone who believes in Me! I would say mission certainly accomplished.

It's Here: AWESOME FRIDAY!

BOOYA!!! Awesome Friday is here! Go out and party accordingly. Good Friday is sooooo yesterday. Awesome Friday is the new sweet holiday. If there is thunder and lightning tonight and into tomorrow, it is because Heaven is partying REALLY hard. If you are planning on dying soon, and plan on getting into Heaven (as always, there IS a guest list. I can't guarantee everyone will get in) but I would go ahead and die before tonight. Tonight's Awesome Friday party is going to be legit. And so it was written...

Sweetest. Zoo. EVER

Yep. That's what it looks like. A Panda watching porn. Panda porn. A zoo in Thailand is trying to get pandas to mate with each other. And their solution, OF COURSE, is to get the pandas to watch some sweet panda bone sessions. That is what I first thought of as well. I wonder if they got any sweet porn directors to direct the Panda porn. Also, does the Panda pull out and nut in the female panda's face? I mean, it would be pretty weak panda porn if they had him finish inside her. I just hope they don't use that one angle right underneath the male panda's balls, cause it is a major turn off to look at a hairy, sweaty dude's butt. Who likes seeing that? I'm just stating facts here...

Happy Easter!!!

Have a wonderful Easter, my children. However, what the fuck does this bunny have to do with my resurrection? I looked up Easter Bunny on Wikipedia, and it clarified nothing. I came back to life for your sins, and you now celebrate by glorifying a rabbits and the colorful eggs they poop out? It is not even logical! Rabbits don't even make eggs! If you happen to be at the mall this weekend buying me gifts, and you see on of those retarted dudes dressed up in a giant bunny suit, go punch him right in his head. Better yet, run up to him and take off his Giant Bunny head and reveal the truth to all the kids there. And you can say that Jesus told you to do it. Everyone will believe you, because it is true. And I said so.

And so it was written.....

the Friday following Good Friday shall be Awesome Friday! An on into eternity!

Good Friday is sweet, don't get me wrong. I definitely want all of you to celebrate my resurrection. I mean, I came back to life for you and your sins! The LEAST you can do is go and remember the amazing occasion. I would suggest booze and chicks. Cause that combination always makes for a sweet party. The equation, I think invented by the great Pope John Party III, looked something like this: Good Booze + Hot Chicks = Sweet Ass Party.

So go and celebrate my wonderful resurrection, my children. And then next Friday (Awesome Friday) you should celebrate EVEN MORE! Cause it is AWESOME!