Thursday, October 18, 2007

Jesus is on Vacation

Your Lord and Savior has decided to take an extended leave of absence to explore the outer reaches of Heaven. I hear there are some kick ass clubs out there...

Thanks for reading....

Friday, June 22, 2007

Nice try, D-bag

I realize that this isn't a fresh news story, but there is a lot of shit going on up here above the clouds. Sometimes it takes me some time to filter down stories like this to you little people down there.

Anyway, some Douche tried to cash a $50,000 check from my Dad. Listen, brosef, my Dad isn't just handing out $50 g's to morons like you. The idiot signed the check 'King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant.' What? Who does my Dad serve??? I mean if you are going to try and cash a check from my Dad, you might just want to sign it 'God.' But my Dad doesn't even write checks. Straight cash, homey.

Seriously??? $175 mil for this???

Who the FUCK green lit Evan Almighty for $140 MILLION?!?!?! Seriously, was the studio exec completely blacked out drunk, or just on some sort of massive coke binge? How could any sober, sane person say "YES!" to a $140 million budget for EVAN FUCKING ALMIGHTY!!! (And the final budget was a reported $175 million). Did they actually purchase all of the animals in the movie? Did they simply lose $120 million in cash? Maybe the extras were each paid $500,000? I am so confused.
This movie isn't even historically accurate. Why would my Dad (who looks NOTHING like Morgan Freeman) come down and have someone build a retardedly big ark. You have no idea what sort of amazing technology we have up here in Heaven. Sweet teleporting devices, hovercrafts, flying cars, stealth helicopters. All sorts of cool shit. Why would we have someone build a massive ark, unless we were just fucking with them...
Unfortunately, the impressively stupid population of the United States will again allow horrible movies to continue to be made when Evan Almighty makes $70 million this weekend. Good job America... I can't wait for Evan Almightier- Opening Summer 2009!

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

But Gay Marriage is wrong?

Those wacky Mormons are at it again. Mormons are trying to get Polygamy decriminalized based on religious grounds. I always wondered what sort of wife would even let the topic of a SECOND wife enter into reality without going apeshit and threatening to chop off their soon to be ex-husband's manhood.

This is how I would expect any sort of new "wife" conversation would go:
"Honey, this is my new fiancee. Or, I should say OUR new fiancee. Right?"
Seriously, how does that conversation go any other way.

Listen Mormons, your "religion" consists of no alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine. That pretty much makes your "religion" suck right from the get go. You should work on having some real fun before trying to marry more than one woman. Oh, but gay marriage is totally sinful, huh...

Uh, I don't know what "God" you are referring to...

Paris Hilton seems to think she has been put in jail as a "message from God." Well I can tell you for a FACT that my Dad certainly didn't talk to her. He has told me on numerous occasions that he is afraid that if he even talks to her he will get some sort of STD. Also, if going to jail was a message from my Dad, he would have told her to stay in jail for MUCH longer than 45 days (or 23, or 3, or however long she ends up staying locked up).

Paris also described her initial days in jail: "I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage." WOW!!! Weird!! I never thought that being in jail would feel like being in a cage. I always figured being in a jail cell would feel very free and open- sort of like sitting in the middle of the ocean or field. I really wonder what Paris thought jail was before she got there. She probably thought it was like a summer camp with arts and crafts, nap time, story hour, horseback riding and water skiing.

"Jail?? COOL! I haven't been to a place like that since I was a little girl! This will be fun! WAIT!!! This is where I sleep!?!? It feels like I am in in some sort of cage!! This is NOTHING like summer camp!"

Friday, June 8, 2007

Sweet ass sweet technology breakthru

I will admit it- I don't put a lot of credibility into many "science" breakthroughs. Science as a whole is fake and fabricated- pretty much like a big budget movie. But the J-Man does get excited about some technology breakthroughs. Some uber-geek virgins at MIT have figured out a way to wirelessly send electrical power. So basically as you walk around, your cell phone will continuously be charging in your pocket (or robe, in my case). Your TV will no longer need wires. Your laptop will always be charged or charging. Pretty cool technology. Now excuse me while I off some MIT uber-geeks to install some wireless power up here in Heaven.

Your prayers have been answered, my children...

I heard all of your prayers PLEADING me to send that arrogant, no good biatch Paris Hilton back to jail. Done and done...

To add Insult to In-jail-ry (I just couldn't resist that one) - Paris was planning a huge party this weekend to celebrate her early release from prison.

66% of Americans are Smart

A recent study done by the USA Today found that 66% of Americans believe in Creationism (which, for those of you who are retarted, is believing in the fact that my Dad made all of you humans less than 10,000 years ago). Only 39% of Americans thought that Creationism is definitely true. Come on, people!! What in Dad's name is being taught down there?

However the poll gets a little confusing. Because 53% of people believe in Evolution. HUH!?!?! According to the poll, 25% of people believe that BOTH evolution and creationism are definitely or probably true.

Basically, J-Dog will break the poll down for you like this:
- 39% of Americans are smart geniuses who are correct.
- 61% of Americans are going to hell for not believing in the hard work my Dad put in to creating the extremely complicated Earth with all of its wonderment.
- 25% of Americans are just plain retarted. How do you believe in BOTH evolution AND creationism. Do you also like to sleep in while getting up early, are you BOTH anorexic AND belimic, tall AND short... Come on.

To end this post on a positive note, at a recent Republican Party (AKA the Christian Party, or Correct Party, Christ's Followers- whatever you prefer) 3 potential Presidential candidates believe in the truth about Creationism. There is hope for you, America!

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Sweet Site celebrating Me!

I found a pretty cool site with tons of cool real world images of yours truly. Check it out...

Friday, May 18, 2007

Hell yes I like to go fast!!

Not like I need more name recognition, but I did want my name on a very fast piece of machinery that burns lots of fossil fuel. Just to let you know, I did not pay for this in actual cash. I just answered a few prayers- namely letting the Jesus car win a few races. Watch that rearview mirror, cause the Jesus car is comin up fast!

Do you think they are using it to make a woman?

Hank Blalock, an outfielder for the Texas Rangers, is having a rib removed. "He had been diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome, which affects the nerves that pass through the shoulder" I am pretty sure that is just the reason they are giving to the public. My guess is that they have finally figured out the mystery behind how my Dad turned Adam's rib into Eve. My Dad would never reveal the secret to me, since he knows I would just be yanking peoples ribs out with my bare hands to make tons of hot chicks. Well Hank, you are a brave man. And he is only planning on missing 3 months of the season! A small price to pay to turn your rib into a woman. If she's hot that is. If she is gross, then what a waste of a perfectly good rib...

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Don't call it a comeback...

....cause I've been here for years. Like 2000 of them!

I have been absent from my weblogging duties, and many of you have told me you are missing my Heavenly thoughts. I know I have promised to keep up my posts in the past with little return on that promise. Let's just say I will try to update this beautiful website more often without any promises and see what happens...