Since when is $1,000 a week excessive for house cleaning???

Lawrence Small resigned as the top official from the Smithsonian Institute, following heavy criticism of his spending habits of Institute money. I think that the criticism may be a bit out of line. Small charged the Smithsonian over $1.1 million since 2000. Part of that $1.1 mil included $273,000 for house cleaning. That is less than $1,000 a week! I want someone to explain to me how you can keep a house clean for less than that! I figure with today's inflation, house cleaning would be AT LEAST $2,000 a week. Another $2,500 went to cleaning a chandelier. A paltry $35 a month. What is the big deal? In total, he was charging the Institute just over $15,000 a month.

You may think I am a bit out of touch with the current state of monetary affairs on your world, but I just don't see how anybody in today's modern world can get by on less than $15,000 a month. I just estimated how much my expenses would be if I lived on Earth, and my electricity bill alone would be over $50,000 a month. (Powering up over 200 flat screens a day and a nightly light show takes some juice!). Luckily up here in heaven, we just get the Mormons to ride bikes and walk on treadmills to generate our power. We figured that they love to walk and ride bikes so much, why not let them do it for eternity. It's a win-win.

Is it a coincidence.....

...that Korea is cloning dogs and wolves? I think not. You are telling me they couldn't have cloned a fish, cow, bull, rabbit, duck, chicken or turkey? They HAD to clone a dog and a wolf? In a country that supposedly eats dog meat, it is just a little too obvious when they start scientifically creating more of that same animal. I'm just sayin...

Apparently, criminals only eat pizza

I think I may move from my lovely, palatial estate made of clouds to the wonderful suburbs of Cincinnati. If you are lucky enough to live near the 'Nati, you may get to see the pictures of deadbeat parents on your next pizza box! If there is one thing that I always wanted to see right before I eat pizza, it is most certainly pictures of parents who are delinquent on child support! Man, this supreme pizza is going to taste amazing now! It is really the logic of the idea that I am most impressed with:

The idea came to Cynthia Brown, executive director of the Butler County Child Enforcement Agency, while she was ordering pizza.

"It suddenly dawned on me that most people running from the law don't eat out, they order pizza," said Brown, whose county is north of Cincinnati.

That makes perfect sense!!! I would say that almost every worker in any restaurant in the country knows the face of EVERY deadbeat parent. No question about it. So OF COURSE these criminal parents would stay out of any possible food establishment. So if they aren't going to restaurants, they MUST be ordering food in. And if they are ordering food in, that means only one conclusion!!! PIZZA!!! Either Cincinnati is so backwards that there are no other food joints that deliver (hmmmm...... Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Indian, Mexican, Meals on Wheels- you are telling me NONE of these deliver?) or maybe deadbeat parents just simply LOVE pizza.

Either way, Cynthia Brown, you are a genius! In fact, you are so smart, that you have just been elected mayor of Boston! Congratulations. Your first order of business as the mayor is to watch out for the bombs made of burritos! They lurk at every Mexican food stand in your beautiful city!

His logic is awesome!

Soccer star Romario is about to score his 1,000th goal! Now these goals may not have been in "official" matches, but who cares! He is counting "unofficial" goals, that even include youth soccer games.

"These numbers are not mine, I never had the time to count them myself. The counting was done by professionals. If I'd counted them myself, there would be around 3,000."

Awesome! He knew how good he would be back in the day, and hired professional goal counters when he was a kid. Such amazing foresight. And either he can't count (1,000 isn't exactly the sames as 3,000) or he would be counting goals scored in practice, too.

More importantly, we should use this logic in all sports, as well as other aspects of life. When someone asks you how much money you made last year, say "I am almost at $1 billion!" (You don't need to mention that most of that is Monopoly money). Barry Bonds might hit 400 home runs this year (363 would be in batting practice though). You could say you can bench 2,000 pounds (not in one rep). This Romario guy is a freakin genius!

Best swimming race. Ever

I am not a big fan of swim races. (Although I DOMINATED all swimming events back at West Jerusalem High. I can walk on water! BOOYA! It is a nice power to have for swim races). Watching people swim is really boring. Especially when the race is 10k. That is over 2 hours!!! But whoever is the promoter of this event just may have found a way to get me to watch. Add jellyfish to the equation. Awesome!

No one really looked like a winner when it was over. They staggered onto dry land, just glad to have survived 6.2 miles of cool waters, rough tactics and all those nasty creatures lurking beneath the surface of Port Phillip Bay.

"I could hear girls screaming on the first lap when they got stung," said Ilchenko, who defended her 10k world championship after winning a fourth consecutive 5k title Sunday.

Now THAT is a swim race. Maybe next time they can have jet ski-ers with tazer guns shooting girls if they go to slow. And sharks with freakin lazer beams on their heads. Whoever put this race together is an entertainment genius. This could be the first televised swim event where more than just the families and friends of the swimmers would watch.

I don't think that was in the job description

An intern at the U.S. National Archives got caught trying to sell over a hundred Civil War artifacts on eBay. I am not positive, since I have never been an intern, and would never take an unpaying job, but I don't think that selling Civil War artifacts on eBay was a part of the job description.

"Intern with the U.S. National Archives! Learn U.S. History first hand! No direct payment, but if you manage to steal artifacts you may be able to sell them on eBay! Entrepreneurial spirit welcome!"

Oh, and the intern is 40 years old. What!?!?! If I was 40 and living on earth right now, I am pretty sure I would want a job that pays me cash. And the total value of the 165 items? About $1,000. What was he selling? Jars of Civil War "air?" "Emails" from Abe Lincoln? I would have guessed that Civil War era artifacts would fetch more than $6 a piece. Obviously, I don't know shit about the value of Civil War stuff.

Look, we are going to make you say sorry. But it has to be formal

Asia and the United States are reqeusting that Japan begin a new investigation regarding forced sex slavery during WWII. And aplogize. Formally. I guess China, North and South Korea, and the Philippines are still really pissed that their women were forced to work at Japanese military brothels.

Historians say that about 200,000 women — mostly from Korea and China — served in Japanese military brothels throughout Asia in the 1930s and 1940s.

Damn, that is a lot of sex slaves! I guess I missed the prime time to visit Japan. The U.S. and Asia want Japan to apologize for the forced whore-ism. The thing is, Japan already MADE an apology way back in 1993. Now they want the apology to be formal. Rumor is, when Japan made the apology back in '93, they were just wearing a ripped pair of shorts, sandals and a "Gimme' Head Till I'm Dead" T-shirt. Somebody needs a sense of humor. While that is pretty informal, the shirt is a funny touch. Now Asia and the U.S. are making this apology a black tie affair- something REALLY formal and classy. The apology event will probably even have crab cakes and pigs in a blanket!

6 year naps aren't quite enough for some people

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for the last 6 years woke up this week for several days, before slipping back.

"I'm fine," Christa Lilly told her mother on Sunday — her first words in eight months. She has awakened four other times for briefer periods since suffering a heart attack and stroke in November of 2000.

Damn this chick likes to sleep. Apparently "I'm fine" means "I am still HELLA tired, now leave me alone so I can relax for few more years." The creepiest part?

A vegetative state is much like a coma except Lilly's eyes remain open.

Ummmm.... Ok. That wouldn't be weird at all. Watching someone just lay there with their eyes open and not responding or talking at all? Hmmm...Maybe that is the reason why my Dad couldn't live with my Mom. ZING!!!

Wow, NASA is strict!!!

The passionate, insane, wearing a diaper and shitting her pants astronaut Lisa Nowak was wrongfully terminated by NASA today. What the fuck??? Can't an honest, loving woman catch a break anymore? All she did was drive across the country to try and make the love of her life fall in love with HER, and maybe kidnap the dude's girlfriend. Or whatever. I certainly don't see what is wrong with that. The point being, she should be rewarded for her passion, not punished. Who wouldn't want to be stuck in a space shuttle orbiting earth with this perfectly sane woman? Fortunately for her, the Navy doesn't care as much if you wear a diaper to avoid those pesky road side rest stops and then try to kidnap someone.

She will be assigned to the staff at the Chief of Naval Air Training in Corpus Christi, Texas, starting in two weeks, Navy Cmdr. Lydia Robertson said. Robertson said she didn't know what specific job Nowak would be doing.

I have not been in the military, but my first thoughts about what she would be doing might involve "using a toilet to take a shit," "not kidnapping people," and "avoiding felony crimes." I could be WAY off on those, but they would probably be my first guesses.

How are these worth anything???

Godless coins??? My Dad is going to be pissed. If there are lots of storms, earthquakes and tsunamis in the near future, at least you will know the reason. A mega-fuck up at one of the U.S. Mints produced coins without "In God We Trust," which is basically the motto for the United States. If you don't trust in my Dad, who DO you trust???? There are 50,000 of these Godless coins floating around, some going for around $50. I hope good Christians are paying the $50 to get the coins and stamp "In God We Trust" on the coins themselves. Either that or destroy them. The only other acceptable reason for this fuck up is that the Mint just didn't have the "In Jesus We Trust" stamp ready to go. Which is probably what happened, now that I think about it.

Boston continues to distance itself as "America's Most Retarted City"

Wow. This story is certainly one of the most ridiculous I have ever heard of in my 2,000 plus years of existence. It does not hurt Boston's status as the Retard Capitol of the United States. Boston proved its incompetence with their handling of the Mooninite "bombs" last month. That showed just how smart the police force and political offices of the city are. And by smart, I mean most likely smarter than a 9 year old. Now Boston area doctors are proving their intelligence. A Boston woman is suing two doctors and Planned Parenthood based on a failed abortion where she ended up having a child. Jennifer Raper (yea, her last name is Raper. I am sure she asks everyone to pronounce it like "Wrapper," but it sure looks like Raper to me) tried to get an abortion in 2004,

but it "was not done properly, causing the plaintiff to remain pregnant," according to the complaint.

There are not too many things you can fuck up more than an "abortion ending with a child." That is like an "execution not done properly, causing 10 more years of life," or "gastric bypass surgery was not done properly, causing a weight gain of 200 pounds." After the failed abortion, more Boston retards added their expertly retarded opinions:

Raper then went to see Dr. Benjamin Eleonu at Boston Medical Center in July 2004, and he failed to detect the pregnancy even though she was 20 weeks pregnant at the time, the lawsuit alleges.

That is an AWESOME doctor!!! When DOES he know that people are pregnant??? When the baby comes out? "Uhhhh, yes, I see a baby coming out of your vagina. It is my professional medical opinion that you are pregnant!" Does he diagnose AIDS after his patient dies from the disease? It would be pretty sweet to be that baby too. Your mom tried to abort you, and then she is suing because the abortion got fucked up and she actually had to give birth to you. Good luck explaining that one.

"Mommy, what does abortion mean?"
"Sweetie, just know that it has nothing to do with me trying to end my pregnancy and not let you be born. It is basically the opposite of that."

If this doesn't make you feel safe, what does??

30 states in the U.S. put untrained police officers on the street. That is pretty awesome.

"Here you go new police officer. Here is your gun for you to legally shoot people. And here is your badge. Your training? Haha. Good one. Now go out there and stop crime!"

It allows departments to put new hires on the streets right away, without waiting for them to go through police academy training, which is usually a full-time, weeks- or months long exercise during which the officer is not on duty but still on the payroll. In some places, there are waiting lists to get into the academy.

This either says that it is so easy to be a cop that you don't need proper training, or that the cops that are on the street probably should not be there in the first place. Either way, it should make you feel safe! I just became a cop while writing this last sentence.

Sadly, I was 100% correct

My prediction of Wild Hogs dominating the box office was correct (sadly), proving that the American movie goers have officially fallen in love with horrible movies, and especially really bad comedies. While Ghost Rider drives its 1998 era CGI flaming motorcycle towards $100 million (another $11 mil this weekend alone!) and Norbit carries its unfunny fat suit to $90 mil, Wild Hogs topped the weekend with the truly unbelievable $38 million weekend gross. That means roughly 4 million or so people saw Wild Hogs this weekend! 4 million people decided that 2 hours of their life, along with $10, was completely worthless. Confusion, disgust, disappointment, horror, and sin all come to mind. Don't you brainless fools realize that if you keep going to see this unfunny trash, the studios will continue to make them? Next up, Chris Rock's movie will top the box office in a few weeks. YAY!

But I don't WANNA play there!!!!!

Jake "The Snake" Plummer (not to be confused with Jake "The Snake" Roberts) has decided to retire from pro football, rather than to play for the Tampa Bay Bucs, who he had been traded to. This is an important lesson to learn: if you don't like a situation, just quit. Not happy with your marriage? Quit. Don't like your job? Quit. Not happy in school? Quit. But instead of "quitting" call it "retiring" and people can't hate on you.

"Hey Don, how is your marriage?"
"Oh, I retired from that last year."

Congrats Jake, you are a great role model for men and women alike!

Something to think about....

...right before you throw these bastards into the street. Scientists, who obviously got bored trying to prove the theory of global warming and the joke of evolution, found that snails can conserve energy by following each other's snail trails. It takes much less energy to move around in each other's mucus. Good to know. The best thing about snails is that they have a hard shell, so it isn't super gross to pick them up and chuck them into the street. I also hear that they are allergic to salt. And by allergic I mean they melt and turn into a foaming, bubbly goo. Snails were created by Satan, that bastard.

Super Extreme Awesome Radical Kiting Festival

Pakistan may not be good at many things, but they sure as FUCK know how to kite. Their annual Basant Festival (it should really be called the Super Extreme Awesome Radical Kiting Festival) took place recently. Pakistanis are so extreme in their kiting, that people die during this festival. EVERY YEAR. I think of kiting as that innocent boy in the picture, just watching some nylon float in the wind. In Pakistan? That is for pussies.

Most years there are around a dozen fatalities and this year was no exception. Police said celebratory aerial firing claimed several casualties while a seven-year-old child died when his neck was severed by a banned glass-coated nylon kite string.

"La di da di da.... Just riding my bike. Biking is sooo fun! La di da di---- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THAT ILLEGAL GLASS COATED NYLON KITE STRING JUST SEVERED MY NECK!!!!! PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!"

Six people were killed when they fell from rooftops, two others were electrocuted while attempting to collect kites from power lines and another died in a brawl.

Holy guacamole, Batman. That is one crazy ass festival. They fucking love their kiting. Fighting to the death over a kite? Climbing up live to live power lines? Kids getting their heads chopped off? Fucking fuck.
"Oh, man, that sucks! Your kite got stuck in those power lines!"
"That's no big deal, I will just climb up there and grab it! What's the worst that could happen?"

Last year the Supreme Court banned all kite-flying in Pakistan but a public outcry -- and perhaps the knowledge that military ruler is a big Basant fan -- saw the ban lifted for this year's festival.

You can't stop them from their kiting Mr. Supreme Court jerk! They love to kite, and they don't care how many people die!! EVERY YEAR. I guess you just can't stop the Super Extreme Awesome Radical Kiting Festival. It is simply too awesome. And extreme. Pretty radical too.

You call it "pollution," I call it.....

Divine intervention. Or maybe Divine experimentation. Scientists have turned dude frogs into hot chick frogs with some pollutants. Or so they think. My Dad and I are trying out some Divine, "miraculous" science of our own. Well not science, since science is just a myth. The scientists are trying to prove why frogs are going extinct, and think they have found a reason with all of the pollutants in the world. Pollution is fake. Global warming is the most commonly believed myth, second only the theory of evolution. My Dad and I are practicing on these dumb frogs, as we will begin turning male embryos into female ones. There are already enough douche bags on Earth, and there are simply never enough hot ass chicks. So we are doing something about it. You are welcome.