Americans are Dumb, Paranoid

Boxes with images of these (hilarious) characters from Aqua Teen Hunger Force basically shut down Boston today. 9 "suspicious" packages were found around the Boston area, and the city went into shut down, panic, "THOSE MUST BE BOMBS, AAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" mode. I understand that much of the world doesn't like America, but Americans sure have taken terrorism panic to a new and frightening level. I was amused from my perch in heaven, watching the dozens of bomb squad "experts" take down the "horrible," harmless packages. I will not be one bit surprised when an entire city soon gets shut down from hundreds of "suspicious" packages that all turn out to be tree branches on the road after a storm.

Snake enjoys dogmeat; dogs are very slow

This monster 23 foot (23 feet!!) snake apparently ate 11 guard dogs, who were protecting a fruit orchard. The news story makes no mention of what breed of dog these were, so I have to assume that they were either Pomeranian or Chihuahuas. The guard dogs we employ to protect heaven would never be humiliated by a snake. Our dogs do carry fully automatic weapons and have their teeth sharpened into razor sharp knives that can slice off a man's head with a single bite, but still. If this one snake ate up 11 of these guard dogs, what in Dad's name were these dogs supposed to protect the orchard from? Spiders, rats and flys?

In a related story, this snake has just signed on to star in Anaconda 9: Attack of the Python.

This week... when nothing happens.....(part 2)

24... Another show that I for some reason force myself through each week, while nothing happens. I don't quite understand why everyone is in love with this show. Here is every episode: "Last time on 24"... "The following takes place from 10:00 am to 11:00 am"... 20 minutes of filler...1 plot twist.. 15 minutes of filler...one secret is revealed... an explosion at the end...BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP....

Now repeat that for 23 more hours, and you have a season of 24. I find the 7th grade bickering between the staff members of CTU to be very realistic as well. I really hope America's entire justice department argues like 12 year olds, holds major grudges, and have 25 year old managers. Jack Baeur is pretty sweet though. I think we need an entire army of Jack Baeurs, John McLaines, 1992 Steven Segals, Chuck Norrises, and Tecmo Bowl Bo Jacksons. Every terrorist would be dead within a week.

BOOP BEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP...

This Week....On Heroes....When Nothing Happens...

I have watched every episode of Heroes so far. Why? I honestly don't know. After each week's episode, I feel like I just flushed 40 minutes of my infinite life down the shitter. Is it mildly entertaining? Yes. Are some of the characters and their powers cool? Yes. Are most of the plot lines retarded and unnecessary? Definitely. Is the show way too drawn out with very little to nothing happening every episode? Absolutely. I understand that TV shows are basically 20 hour movies, so there will be tons of filler, but I feel that they can still make more happen per episode. All I know is the creators and editors of the "next week's episode" trailers are the real geniuses. They take an hour of nothing happening, chop it into 30 seconds, and all of a sudden you forgot about the last hour of crap, and can't wait for next week's episode...when NOTHING happens.... again

Weight Room!!

An eagle gravely miscalculated its own strength when it tried to fly with a deer head in its mouth. The more than likely out of shape eagle (eagle obesity is the eagle community's #2 problem behind beak disease) was pulled down by the weight of the deer head, hitting electrical lines, killing itself and knocking power out to residents in Alaska (they have electricity in Alaska??). While you may be wondering: "Why, Jesus, would you let such a brave and majestic animal be killed?" I have neither the time nor the energy to keep an eye on all of Dad's creatures. What, am I supposed to work all day, everyday? No thanks. Now are you going to finish that deer head, or can I have the rest?

I Can't Wait for Saw 32!!!

"My name is Jigsaw. You have watched many movies before. Many of them have entertained you. This particular movie will be filled with an unnecessary combination of flashbacks and over the top gore. You will sit through this movie. You will not know why. At the end, you will be very disappointed. Despite this, there will be a Saw 4. You will probably watch that too, and again, be disappointed."

I decided to watch Saw 3 last night, and I should have known better. Basically an hour and a half of a nonsense, ridiculous plot with tons of gross you out flesh ripping. But Saw 4 is supposed to be coming out in 2007! Hopefully they make a Saw movie a year for the next 50 years! If we can promise to keep seeing them, I am sure the studio will oblige. I know what I will be doing on October 26th, 2007.

Just Don't Say I Didn't Warn You...

I am a pretty powerful dude. Like, pretty much the most powerful EVER, except for my Dad, and all HE ever did was create the entire Earth, you, and everything you are touching and looking at. That's all. I warned you that if I continued to read about the horse Barbaro, some bad things may end up happening. Let's just say there were multiple news stories last week alone about Barbaro, and he didn't make it through the weekend. I won't go into details, but I managed to make a few calls and pull a few strings. When I say something, you just might want to listen. Probably even write it down. Better yet, put it in your PDA or day planner. That is more of an order than a suggestion.

For $15 grand you get.... a coffee stained piece of paper?

Some fool on eBay is selling a coffee stained piece of paper for $15,000, claiming that I "miraculously" put my image in it. They think I am showing my face in "this time of need." Need for what?? More coffee? Why would I make an image out of myself in coffee? And that doesn't even LOOK like me. Someone explian to me why I would want to make an image out of a coffee stain and not have it resemble my classic handsome features and ripped, muscular physique. But I will tell you one thing. If I hear of some other douche wiping their ass, and claiming a shit stain on a piece of toilet paper looks like me, that will be the last straw. When you see "The Shit Stain Jesus Miracle" on eBay, prepare for the Apocalypse.

"Ummmm, yea. I am going to have a hard time coming up with that sort of cash."

New York business owner Karl Kemp is suing several homeless people who sleep (among other things) in front of his store. And he wants cash. And that cash amount is $1,000,000. That's one million dollars, if you can't read numbers. I am not a genius (Well actually I am.

1600 on my SATs. And they hadn't even been invented yet. Suck on that) but homeless people often don't have $1million bucks lying around. If I was a business owner, I wouldn't really want people dropping dueces in front of my store either, I just think Karl may have a really tough time collecting that cash. Maybe they can settle out of court for 10 half smoked cigarettes and a half drank bottle of Carlo Rossi.

Stinky Bum Cinemas presents:

100 homeless people in Washington were allowed into a movie theater for a screening of the latest Will Smith movie I won't ever see, Pursuit of Happyness. The story is of Will Smith going from homeless to successful business man. I am glad I was not in that theater. My only question is: did they send in a Haz-Mat team to clean the theater, or did they simply burn it to the ground after the screening? No offense homeless people (as they are always thanking Me and my Dad) but I don't really want to sit in a seat stained by your feces and urine laden pants. I said "no offense," so you can't get mad. No showers = really bad BO. Its simple science. Look it up.

We felt that up here

My Dad and I have really gotten into the UFC. WAY better than boxing- and way more great fights. My Dad and I like to get some cold adult beverages, and watch people punch and kick each other in the head. Multiple times. For example, watch this video from last night. Rashad Evans REALLY enjoys kicking people in the face. And then they go to sleep. (With a few unnecessary punches at the end while the dude is out cold).

Is that a towel in your lung, or are you just happy to see me?

Now your Lord and Savior may not have a "medical degree" from an "accredited university," (they told me I could advance my career!) but I DO know that towels are not supposed to remain in your lung AFTER surgery. I learned THAT on day one of my online courses. The wonderful Dr. Jeffry Miller (did he miss the first day of class?) FORGOT a green surgical towel in his patient's lung. Uhhhhhhhhh, I am not positive, but I don't think that was part of the procedure. "We are going to perform the procedure, leave a towel in your lung, and you will be out of here, good as new!" The patient lived for 7 years with a TOWEL IN HER LUNG, dying in 2002. I just saw her walk by, still mumbling something about a stupid retard doctor (she has been doing that nonstop for 5 years). Doc, I wouldn't expect to be seeing her OR me any time soon. Or ever. Just thought I should let you know. Leaving a towel in someone's lung is a sin. Look it up. It's science.

Get My Lawyers on the Phone. NOW!

What. The. Fuck. That toy is supposed to be Me???? There will be lawyers knocking down your door soon, The God Squad and Friends. I would never approve a gay doll of myself. Jesus Comes 2 Play? More like Gay Jesus Comes 2 be Gay. Libel and slander all over the place. Any likeness of me should be ripped, muscular, and masculine. Kinda like He-man. With a beard. And a robe. Something like this is totally acceptable (I really like my gun and throwing nails. Nice touch). I DO NOT look like a chick. And I would NEVER wear capris, or that gay headband with stars on it. AND you can remove my clothes! I better have a life size 10" under those capris. They didn't really do Moses any favors with his doll either. Justice will be mine. What bullshit.

I am Fucking Popular!

I just Googled myself, as someone finally explained what that meant. I always thought it involved a hamburger, a dildo and a laxative, which is simply too much for me. J-Dog can get freaky, but I do have my limits. Anyway, there were over 178 MILLION results! Fuck yea! I rule. Yahoo only found over 140 million. I just left a message for their customer service, as something is obviously fucked up with their software. They need to "fix the glitch," if you know what i mean.

(The painting is of me begging for a BJ from some roaming vagrant gypsy woman. Not my proudest moment, but a mans got needs! I can't believe I didn't notice some guy painting us for several hours though. Lets just say that my miracles weren't quite as big of a deal back then, and they did not always translate into sexual favors).

A worthy complaint

Egypt is extremely upset that a group is holding a vote for 7 new world wonders. It is a very valid argument. Despite the fact that the pyramids are the only remaining ancient world wonder, history should remain stagnant and never change. New ideas and thoughts should be suppressed and censored. We do not have the time nor the energy to learn NEW information! The ancient world wonders were named as such for a reason, and we should leave it at that. Unfortunately, I only got to see 3 of the ancient wonders, and let me tell you, they were FUCKING SWEET! There is no way a modern structure should be considered a "wonder." Unless that "wonder" is HDTV. Cause sports in HD is AWESOME!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Lyla, you better say no. For those of you who don't watch the football documentary Friday Night Lights (non-watching of that show was just recently made an official sin. Thought I should let you know) Jason Street proposed to one of my greatest creations- Lyla Garrity. I mean I already put that kid in a freaking wheel chair! What else do I have to do!?!?!

Lyla, just say no. That is not a suggestion as much as a threat. That's all I am going to say. If you love your life and your family, just say no.

Ummm, no they don't

I wanted to quickly dispel an old rumor, started by a bad 1989 cartoon movie. All dogs DO NOT go to heaven. Do you think my dad and I want every single freaking dog that dies up here running around and barking? And shitting everywhere? Fuck that.

I may have to kill this freaking horse

Will people EVER stop talking about Barbaro??? This horse hasn't raced in Dad knows how long, and he is still making front page news? What the fuck? Believe me, I like going down to the race track every now and again, picking up a Daily Racing Form, sipping on some cold and frostys, and putting some duckets on the ponies. If you ever see a Jesus looking dude at your local track, you may be looking at the real deal.

But Barbaro has run in SEVEN RACES!!! I don't know what a-hole thinks we care about every miniscule update on the health of once race horse, but it is certainly not me. If the J-Dog doesn't care, no one should. If this gets any worse, I will simply have to end Barbaro's life. And it will all be the media's fault. Good job, media.

That's a negative Ghost rider, the pattern is full

There is a report today which reports Scientologists are calling Tom Cruise (Thomas Cruise Mapother IV) the "Christ of Scientology."

“Like Christ, he’s been criticised for his views. But future generations will realise he was right.”

Look, there is and will always only be one Christ (me). Just like there is only one Michael Jordan. Second, I don't think you can compare my legitimate, proven, and very factual miracles and teachings to the blathering nonsense that is Scientology. I mean- humans are decendants of an alien species? What are you going to try and convince me of next? That humans came from monkeys!?!?

While Mr. Mapother may have made some entertaining movies in his career (I really like to get a big tub of popcorn, get into some comfy sweats, turn off the lights and watch Cocktail) that in no way entitles you to the position of a God. I mean, I performed REAL miracles, and was born to a virgin mother! I walked on water! Turned water into wine! What did you do Maverick? Make Days of Thunder, Top Gun and the MI movies? Fuck off, Maverick.

These Dragons are Like My Mommy!

A Komodo dragon gave birth to 5 more little dragons, without first getting boned by a dude dragon. The virgin birth from the dragon is just like my birth from my mommy! My mom, Mary (may she rest in peace), never had sex either! I dont know if you ever heard the story, but God (my Dad) chose to impregnate Mary in her sleep. 9 months later, little 8 lb, 6 oz Baby Jesus popped out (Me!). But don't you suggest for a SECOND that I am related to these virgin birth reptiles. Because as everybody with a brain knows, evolution is a lie. People are so gullible. Evolution. Ha. What a joke. And don't even think of mentioning evolution to my Dad. He will get buck wild on you and whoop your skinny ass. Bitch.

This Alien Kills People

You all should thank me for making Brandy the Alien wear a wig. I met her on my travels past Alpha

Centauri, and she asked me to take her back to Earth. At first I refused, but aliens give the best head! So I gave her a magical singing voice, turned her into a black woman, and ta daa!! She became a star! Unfortunately I could not grant her the powers of being a good driver, and she killed someone last month in a car accident. That person is sitting next to me right now, and they are fucking pissed. Good work Brandy.

Proof that I exist #2,039,044,332

Yes, I created Lyla Garrity. If her amazing hotness is not obvious proof that I am real, then I don't know what is. Earth can never have enough hot bitches, but she is truly a masterpiece. Her real name might be Minka Kelly, but that is of no significance. Lyla Garrity is a real person to me, and thats where it ends. I put that cripple Jason Street in his wheelchair because he was not worth of such a hot piece of female flesh. Lyla, if you are reading this, there will always be a place for you in my bed located in the Kindom of Heaven.

And its ok that she was boning Tim Riggins. That guy is a bad ass who doesn't give a shit about anything. Now if he could only work a threesome with Tyra (the other hottie in the pics)... and get it on tape...

Wait! These guys are gay!?!

The seemingly very well researched and informative site Love God's Way has put together a list of potentially gay musicians, or musicians promoting a gay lifestyle.

"One of the most dangerous ways homosexuality invades family life is through popular music. Parents should keep careful watch over their children's listening habits, especially in this Internet Age of MP3 piracy."

While there are some shockers like The Village People, Queen, Boy George and Judas Priest, you simply can't be surprised by Jay-Z, Ghostface Killah, Lil Wayne and DMX. I was a little confused as why Elton John made the list twice. Is he double gay? They did add that he is "really gay" so maybe that is it. Eminmen made the list too. Is that an artist playing off of the rapper Eminem's name? Cause Eminmen would be a REALLY gay name. Quite clever even.

The rest of Love God's Way is full of insight and help on how not to be gay if you think you might be crossing over to the dark side. They even started a great support group called C.H.O.P.S. What does that stand for? Isn't it obvious??? Changing Homosexuals into Ordinary People of course!!! Doing gay for pay is fine with me though. Just don't enjoy it and you can still kick it with me in heaven.

Douche of the Week

Spencer on The Hills easily earns Douche of the Week, and is an early year favorite for Douche of the Year. I don't think he will be able to dethrone John Edwards from his Biggest Douche in the Universe crown, but you gotta start somewhere.

I realize that the word "reality" in this show is used very loosely (as on most MTV "reality" shows), so I pray to Dad and Myself that his nearly unprecedented level of doucheness is all an act. I can appreciate his ability to bang a hot (although completely insane) chick like Heidi, but come on. This guy must sweat pure douche water.

Sorry for the small pic. My powers are often limited by modern computer technology.

My Homie G Dub B Gave Some Speech Last Night

One of my homeboys, George Walker Bush (G Dub B) , gave some long, boring speech last night. What I don't understand: all that clapping. Is that supposed to be a joke? There is no other event in the world that earns that much clapping, and certainly not that many standing O's. While I appreciate George Jr. spreading my truthful and factual gospel, I would never stand that many times and clap for him. Unless he kept buying lapdances for me. Which may or may not have happened when I visited last.

By the way, the pic is from a few months ago when G Dub B and I went to his Texas ranch to hunt some deer. Does it make it less fun because I can kill animals simply by pointing at them? No. A better question to ask would be: Why do I look so much like Mel Gibson in that photo? Kinda creepy. Not 2007 crazy Mel Gibson. More like Lethal Weapon Mel. With a beard.

Who to chose in the big one? Fuck!

I don't always keep up to date on who is praying to me or not. I mean there are 5 billion people down there! I read today that both head coaches in XLI pray to me, so I will really have to think long and hard who to let win the shiny silver Lombardi.

"Dungy and Smith are Christian men who serve the Lord first and spend nearly as much time serving their communities. Doesn't prevent them from winning." (ESPN)

Damn right! Doesn't "prevent" them from winning??? More like "ensures that they DO win. At all." But they also don't use profanity. I mean, what the fuck?! How do you coach in the NFL and not swear? That is a sin in itself. This will be a tough decision come February 4th. Fortunately I get too drunk on Super Bowl sunday to really care anyway. I will race anyone in a beer shotgunning contest.

You are welcome, Peyton Manning

As many of you saw and read, Peyton Manning prayed to me to let him and the Colts finally beat the Pats in the playoffs.

"After the final score, Manning was on the sideline, his head down, unable to watch. Brady threw an interception to Marlin Jackson and the RCA Dome crowd
went wild. One kneel down later and Manning ripped off his helmet to celebrate. "I said a little prayer on that last drive," Manning said. "I don't know if you're supposed to pray for stuff like that, but I said a little prayer."

Oh, yes, you are supposed to do that! You must always recognize my powers! While he has probably the doucheiest hair in the NFL, a freakishly long neck, and does WAY too many commercials, I decided to let him win this particular game. Why? I felt it was time to give the Pats a taste of their own medicine. Unfortunately, I was sleeping off a hangover during the Colts/ Chargers game. I fucked that one up. The Chargers were supposed to be going to the Super Bowl this year.

So Peyton, you are welcome. Now stop doing those commercials and maybe you can win a Super Bowl.

I love you all...

Hello. My name is Jesus Christ. I am your Lord and Savior. I died for your sins, and then came back to life. But that was a long time ago. Now I like to watch sports, play video games, drink, party, and watch a lot of TV.

This is my blog.