Jesus is on Vacation

Your Lord and Savior has decided to take an extended leave of absence to explore the outer reaches of Heaven. I hear there are some kick ass clubs out there...

Thanks for reading....

Nice try, D-bag

I realize that this isn't a fresh news story, but there is a lot of shit going on up here above the clouds. Sometimes it takes me some time to filter down stories like this to you little people down there.

Anyway, some Douche tried to cash a $50,000 check from my Dad. Listen, brosef, my Dad isn't just handing out $50 g's to morons like you. The idiot signed the check 'King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant.' What? Who does my Dad serve??? I mean if you are going to try and cash a check from my Dad, you might just want to sign it 'God.' But my Dad doesn't even write checks. Straight cash, homey.

Seriously??? $175 mil for this???

Who the FUCK green lit Evan Almighty for $140 MILLION?!?!?! Seriously, was the studio exec completely blacked out drunk, or just on some sort of massive coke binge? How could any sober, sane person say "YES!" to a $140 million budget for EVAN FUCKING ALMIGHTY!!! (And the final budget was a reported $175 million). Did they actually purchase all of the animals in the movie? Did they simply lose $120 million in cash? Maybe the extras were each paid $500,000? I am so confused.

This movie isn't even historically accurate. Why would my Dad (who looks NOTHING like Morgan Freeman) come down and have someone build a retardedly big ark. You have no idea what sort of amazing technology we have up here in Heaven. Sweet teleporting devices, hovercrafts, flying cars, stealth helicopters. All sorts of cool shit. Why would we have someone build a massive ark, unless we were just fucking with them...

Unfortunately, the impressively stupid population of the United States will again allow horrible movies to continue to be made when Evan Almighty makes $70 million this weekend. Good job America... I can't wait for Evan Almightier- Opening Summer 2009!

But Gay Marriage is wrong?

Those wacky Mormons are at it again. Mormons are trying to get Polygamy decriminalized based on religious grounds. I always wondered what sort of wife would even let the topic of a SECOND wife enter into reality without going apeshit and threatening to chop off their soon to be ex-husband's manhood.

This is how I would expect any sort of new "wife" conversation would go:

"Honey, this is my new fiancee. Or, I should say OUR new fiancee. Right?"

"WHAT!?! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH!!??? GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE HOUSE! AND TAKE YOUR NEW SKANK WITH YOU!!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?! I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!!!"

Seriously, how does that conversation go any other way.

Listen Mormons, your "religion" consists of no alcohol, tobacco, or caffeine. That pretty much makes your "religion" suck right from the get go. You should work on having some real fun before trying to marry more than one woman. Oh, but gay marriage is totally sinful, huh...

Uh, I don't know what "God" you are referring to...

Paris Hilton seems to think she has been put in jail as a "message from God." Well I can tell you for a FACT that my Dad certainly didn't talk to her. He has told me on numerous occasions that he is afraid that if he even talks to her he will get some sort of STD. Also, if going to jail was a message from my Dad, he would have told her to stay in jail for MUCH longer than 45 days (or 23, or 3, or however long she ends up staying locked up).

Paris also described her initial days in jail: "I was severely depressed and felt as if I was in a cage." WOW!!! Weird!! I never thought that being in jail would feel like being in a cage. I always figured being in a jail cell would feel very free and open- sort of like sitting in the middle of the ocean or field. I really wonder what Paris thought jail was before she got there. She probably thought it was like a summer camp with arts and crafts, nap time, story hour, horseback riding and water skiing.

"Jail?? COOL! I haven't been to a place like that since I was a little girl! This will be fun! WAIT!!! This is where I sleep!?!? It feels like I am in in some sort of cage!! This is NOTHING like summer camp!"

Sweet ass sweet technology breakthru

I will admit it- I don't put a lot of credibility into many "science" breakthroughs. Science as a whole is fake and fabricated- pretty much like a big budget movie. But the J-Man does get excited about some technology breakthroughs. Some uber-geek virgins at MIT have figured out a way to wirelessly send electrical power. So basically as you walk around, your cell phone will continuously be charging in your pocket (or robe, in my case). Your TV will no longer need wires. Your laptop will always be charged or charging. Pretty cool technology. Now excuse me while I off some MIT uber-geeks to install some wireless power up here in Heaven.

Your prayers have been answered, my children...

I heard all of your prayers PLEADING me to send that arrogant, no good biatch Paris Hilton back to jail. Done and done...

To add Insult to In-jail-ry (I just couldn't resist that one) - Paris was planning a huge party this weekend to celebrate her early release from prison.

66% of Americans are Smart

A recent study done by the USA Today found that 66% of Americans believe in Creationism (which, for those of you who are retarted, is believing in the fact that my Dad made all of you humans less than 10,000 years ago). Only 39% of Americans thought that Creationism is definitely true. Come on, people!! What in Dad's name is being taught down there?

However the poll gets a little confusing. Because 53% of people believe in Evolution. HUH!?!?! According to the poll, 25% of people believe that BOTH evolution and creationism are definitely or probably true.

Basically, J-Dog will break the poll down for you like this:
- 39% of Americans are smart geniuses who are correct.
- 61% of Americans are going to hell for not believing in the hard work my Dad put in to creating the extremely complicated Earth with all of its wonderment.
- 25% of Americans are just plain retarted. How do you believe in BOTH evolution AND creationism. Do you also like to sleep in while getting up early, are you BOTH anorexic AND belimic, tall AND short... Come on.

To end this post on a positive note, at a recent Republican Party (AKA the Christian Party, or Correct Party, Christ's Followers- whatever you prefer) 3 potential Presidential candidates believe in the truth about Creationism. There is hope for you, America!

Sweet Site celebrating Me!

I found a pretty cool site with tons of cool real world images of yours truly. Check it out...

Hell yes I like to go fast!!

Not like I need more name recognition, but I did want my name on a very fast piece of machinery that burns lots of fossil fuel. Just to let you know, I did not pay for this in actual cash. I just answered a few prayers- namely letting the Jesus car win a few races. Watch that rearview mirror, cause the Jesus car is comin up fast!

Do you think they are using it to make a woman?

Hank Blalock, an outfielder for the Texas Rangers, is having a rib removed. "He had been diagnosed with thoracic outlet syndrome, which affects the nerves that pass through the shoulder" I am pretty sure that is just the reason they are giving to the public. My guess is that they have finally figured out the mystery behind how my Dad turned Adam's rib into Eve. My Dad would never reveal the secret to me, since he knows I would just be yanking peoples ribs out with my bare hands to make tons of hot chicks. Well Hank, you are a brave man. And he is only planning on missing 3 months of the season! A small price to pay to turn your rib into a woman. If she's hot that is. If she is gross, then what a waste of a perfectly good rib...

Don't call it a comeback...

....cause I've been here for years. Like 2000 of them!

I have been absent from my weblogging duties, and many of you have told me you are missing my Heavenly thoughts. I know I have promised to keep up my posts in the past with little return on that promise. Let's just say I will try to update this beautiful website more often without any promises and see what happens...

BOO THIS MAN!!!

India is proving it is probably the most liberal and advanced culture on earth. Richard Gere (of hamster in the butt fame) had the AUDACITY to kiss a woman in public. WHAT!?!?!? BURN HIM! STAB HIS EYES OUT!!!! TORTURE HIM!!! Uhhhhhhhh........ or it's not a big deal. At all? I guess to India it is. Because India has an arrest warrant out for Dick Gere.

According to Judge Dinesh Gupta:

Gere and Shetty "transgressed all limits of vulgarity and have the tendency to corrupt the society."

Uh, bro? You need to lighten up a bit. They just kissed. On the cheek. I am pretty sure you should worry about something else. But obviously in India, they really don't like this sort of behavior. Not only were people buring effigies of Dick, but:

"Such cases against celebrities often filed by publicity seekers are common in conservative India. They add to a backlog of legal cases that has nearly crippled the country's judicial system."

SWEET legal system. These Indians will be in for quite a shock when (or should I say if) they get up to heaven. Because there are times we are just fuckin partying up here. I don't feel the need to get into specifics, but lets just say there is much more than kissing going on. And no clothes. And lots of hot chicks. Yes, you are right, it is really fun up here.

"No Shit" study #4,093,098

Who keeps funding these retarted studies? One of the most recent ones: Breast feeding won't stop obesity! NO FUCKING WAY!!!??? Seriously!???! So you are telling me that if a kid breast feeds, it won't stop them from being a fatty? I mean, I always thought that obesity was a DIRECT result of whether that person sucked some milk from titties as a baby. I figured that genetics, diet, and exercise basically were meaningless in the fat equation. I always thought it was so simple (sucked milk from the boobie = not obese, never sucked milk from a tittie = obese).

These studies keep totally debunking how I thought the world had worked for thousands of years. Next someone is going to try and convince me that diet is directly related to obesity. THAT is where I draw the line, people. I will never believe anything that ridiculous.

I am back in the house!

I took a week off from the web logging. I didn't do anything too significant. Just caught up on my normal, everyday being the Son of God shit. You know- turning water into wine, performing miracles, walking on water, coming back to life, talking to Dad. But I am back to continue the web logging.

(By the way I posted that blasphemous picture so someone could let me know who painted that crap. It is sinful to paint me looking that skinny. I don't look like a pre-op tranny. This is what I look like).

Awesome Friday was Awesome!

I hope everyone down there on Earth enjoyed Awesome Friday as much as I did up here in Heaven. I was pretty drunk and enjoying myself up here, so I did not have time to watch all of you celebrate the new great holiday I created. However, I did observe an impressive group of partiers at the Grand National Rodeo taking place at the Cow Palace in California. I am quite proud of you gentleman, as you really embraced the spirit of what Awesome Friday is all about.

And, as new tradition would have it, Facemelter Saturday now follows Awesome Friday (and on into eternity). Facemelter Saturday, of course, entails partying so hard that your face will likely melt right off of your head into a gelatinous puddle (sort of like this).

Hope everyone enjoyed the weekend!

It has been a slow month for your Lord and Savior

I apologize for the inexcusable lack of posts so far this month. I vow to pick up the pace if you vow to pray twice as often to my indisputable awesomeness and power.... Have a good weekend my children. Don't forget to party for Awesome Friday!

Keep your friends Christian and your children Christianer

Are you worried that your children and friends will burn in an eternal Hell for not accepting Me as their personal Lord and Savior? Sure you are. I will return soon, and if you, or those close to you, have not accepted Me, they will not be spared by my wrath! They will burn in the pits of Hell for all of eternity. So, as sort of an instructional video, please watch how this mother handles her son's claim of Atheism.

This mom is SO right! Once you tell a bishop you give yourself to Dad and Me, there is no turning back. You can't just simply change your mind! You told the bishop already! Too, late, dude! And if your child claims Atheism, threaten church EVERY week to prove to them Dad and I are real. Cause we all know- if at first your child doesn't like church, just keep going and going and going. They will learn to love it!

Lastly, and most importantly, if you get desperate for your child to not be damned to eternal Hell, threaten them with no presents on Christmas! Because, as this mom says so perfectly, Christmas, is about Jesus Christ (Yours truly, of course) which logically equals presents. When I died for all of your sins, what I was really hoping to accomplish is a yearly gift giving holiday, with presents for everyone who believes in Me! I would say mission certainly accomplished.

It's Here: AWESOME FRIDAY!

BOOYA!!! Awesome Friday is here! Go out and party accordingly. Good Friday is sooooo yesterday. Awesome Friday is the new sweet holiday. If there is thunder and lightning tonight and into tomorrow, it is because Heaven is partying REALLY hard. If you are planning on dying soon, and plan on getting into Heaven (as always, there IS a guest list. I can't guarantee everyone will get in) but I would go ahead and die before tonight. Tonight's Awesome Friday party is going to be legit. And so it was written...

Sweetest. Zoo. EVER

Yep. That's what it looks like. A Panda watching porn. Panda porn. A zoo in Thailand is trying to get pandas to mate with each other. And their solution, OF COURSE, is to get the pandas to watch some sweet panda bone sessions. That is what I first thought of as well. I wonder if they got any sweet porn directors to direct the Panda porn. Also, does the Panda pull out and nut in the female panda's face? I mean, it would be pretty weak panda porn if they had him finish inside her. I just hope they don't use that one angle right underneath the male panda's balls, cause it is a major turn off to look at a hairy, sweaty dude's butt. Who likes seeing that? I'm just stating facts here...

Happy Easter!!!

Have a wonderful Easter, my children. However, what the fuck does this bunny have to do with my resurrection? I looked up Easter Bunny on Wikipedia, and it clarified nothing. I came back to life for your sins, and you now celebrate by glorifying a rabbits and the colorful eggs they poop out? It is not even logical! Rabbits don't even make eggs! If you happen to be at the mall this weekend buying me gifts, and you see on of those retarted dudes dressed up in a giant bunny suit, go punch him right in his head. Better yet, run up to him and take off his Giant Bunny head and reveal the truth to all the kids there. And you can say that Jesus told you to do it. Everyone will believe you, because it is true. And I said so.

And so it was written.....

the Friday following Good Friday shall be Awesome Friday! An on into eternity!

Good Friday is sweet, don't get me wrong. I definitely want all of you to celebrate my resurrection. I mean, I came back to life for you and your sins! The LEAST you can do is go and remember the amazing occasion. I would suggest booze and chicks. Cause that combination always makes for a sweet party. The equation, I think invented by the great Pope John Party III, looked something like this: Good Booze + Hot Chicks = Sweet Ass Party.

So go and celebrate my wonderful resurrection, my children. And then next Friday (Awesome Friday) you should celebrate EVEN MORE! Cause it is AWESOME!

Since when is $1,000 a week excessive for house cleaning???

Lawrence Small resigned as the top official from the Smithsonian Institute, following heavy criticism of his spending habits of Institute money. I think that the criticism may be a bit out of line. Small charged the Smithsonian over $1.1 million since 2000. Part of that $1.1 mil included $273,000 for house cleaning. That is less than $1,000 a week! I want someone to explain to me how you can keep a house clean for less than that! I figure with today's inflation, house cleaning would be AT LEAST $2,000 a week. Another $2,500 went to cleaning a chandelier. A paltry $35 a month. What is the big deal? In total, he was charging the Institute just over $15,000 a month.

You may think I am a bit out of touch with the current state of monetary affairs on your world, but I just don't see how anybody in today's modern world can get by on less than $15,000 a month. I just estimated how much my expenses would be if I lived on Earth, and my electricity bill alone would be over $50,000 a month. (Powering up over 200 flat screens a day and a nightly light show takes some juice!). Luckily up here in heaven, we just get the Mormons to ride bikes and walk on treadmills to generate our power. We figured that they love to walk and ride bikes so much, why not let them do it for eternity. It's a win-win.

Is it a coincidence.....

...that Korea is cloning dogs and wolves? I think not. You are telling me they couldn't have cloned a fish, cow, bull, rabbit, duck, chicken or turkey? They HAD to clone a dog and a wolf? In a country that supposedly eats dog meat, it is just a little too obvious when they start scientifically creating more of that same animal. I'm just sayin...

Apparently, criminals only eat pizza

I think I may move from my lovely, palatial estate made of clouds to the wonderful suburbs of Cincinnati. If you are lucky enough to live near the 'Nati, you may get to see the pictures of deadbeat parents on your next pizza box! If there is one thing that I always wanted to see right before I eat pizza, it is most certainly pictures of parents who are delinquent on child support! Man, this supreme pizza is going to taste amazing now! It is really the logic of the idea that I am most impressed with:

The idea came to Cynthia Brown, executive director of the Butler County Child Enforcement Agency, while she was ordering pizza.

"It suddenly dawned on me that most people running from the law don't eat out, they order pizza," said Brown, whose county is north of Cincinnati.

That makes perfect sense!!! I would say that almost every worker in any restaurant in the country knows the face of EVERY deadbeat parent. No question about it. So OF COURSE these criminal parents would stay out of any possible food establishment. So if they aren't going to restaurants, they MUST be ordering food in. And if they are ordering food in, that means only one conclusion!!! PIZZA!!! Either Cincinnati is so backwards that there are no other food joints that deliver (hmmmm...... Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Indian, Mexican, Meals on Wheels- you are telling me NONE of these deliver?) or maybe deadbeat parents just simply LOVE pizza.

Either way, Cynthia Brown, you are a genius! In fact, you are so smart, that you have just been elected mayor of Boston! Congratulations. Your first order of business as the mayor is to watch out for the bombs made of burritos! They lurk at every Mexican food stand in your beautiful city!

His logic is awesome!

Soccer star Romario is about to score his 1,000th goal! Now these goals may not have been in "official" matches, but who cares! He is counting "unofficial" goals, that even include youth soccer games.

"These numbers are not mine, I never had the time to count them myself. The counting was done by professionals. If I'd counted them myself, there would be around 3,000."

Awesome! He knew how good he would be back in the day, and hired professional goal counters when he was a kid. Such amazing foresight. And either he can't count (1,000 isn't exactly the sames as 3,000) or he would be counting goals scored in practice, too.

More importantly, we should use this logic in all sports, as well as other aspects of life. When someone asks you how much money you made last year, say "I am almost at $1 billion!" (You don't need to mention that most of that is Monopoly money). Barry Bonds might hit 400 home runs this year (363 would be in batting practice though). You could say you can bench 2,000 pounds (not in one rep). This Romario guy is a freakin genius!

Best swimming race. Ever

I am not a big fan of swim races. (Although I DOMINATED all swimming events back at West Jerusalem High. I can walk on water! BOOYA! It is a nice power to have for swim races). Watching people swim is really boring. Especially when the race is 10k. That is over 2 hours!!! But whoever is the promoter of this event just may have found a way to get me to watch. Add jellyfish to the equation. Awesome!

No one really looked like a winner when it was over. They staggered onto dry land, just glad to have survived 6.2 miles of cool waters, rough tactics and all those nasty creatures lurking beneath the surface of Port Phillip Bay.

"I could hear girls screaming on the first lap when they got stung," said Ilchenko, who defended her 10k world championship after winning a fourth consecutive 5k title Sunday.

Now THAT is a swim race. Maybe next time they can have jet ski-ers with tazer guns shooting girls if they go to slow. And sharks with freakin lazer beams on their heads. Whoever put this race together is an entertainment genius. This could be the first televised swim event where more than just the families and friends of the swimmers would watch.

I don't think that was in the job description

An intern at the U.S. National Archives got caught trying to sell over a hundred Civil War artifacts on eBay. I am not positive, since I have never been an intern, and would never take an unpaying job, but I don't think that selling Civil War artifacts on eBay was a part of the job description.

"Intern with the U.S. National Archives! Learn U.S. History first hand! No direct payment, but if you manage to steal artifacts you may be able to sell them on eBay! Entrepreneurial spirit welcome!"

Oh, and the intern is 40 years old. What!?!?! If I was 40 and living on earth right now, I am pretty sure I would want a job that pays me cash. And the total value of the 165 items? About $1,000. What was he selling? Jars of Civil War "air?" "Emails" from Abe Lincoln? I would have guessed that Civil War era artifacts would fetch more than $6 a piece. Obviously, I don't know shit about the value of Civil War stuff.

Look, we are going to make you say sorry. But it has to be formal

Asia and the United States are reqeusting that Japan begin a new investigation regarding forced sex slavery during WWII. And aplogize. Formally. I guess China, North and South Korea, and the Philippines are still really pissed that their women were forced to work at Japanese military brothels.

Historians say that about 200,000 women — mostly from Korea and China — served in Japanese military brothels throughout Asia in the 1930s and 1940s.

Damn, that is a lot of sex slaves! I guess I missed the prime time to visit Japan. The U.S. and Asia want Japan to apologize for the forced whore-ism. The thing is, Japan already MADE an apology way back in 1993. Now they want the apology to be formal. Rumor is, when Japan made the apology back in '93, they were just wearing a ripped pair of shorts, sandals and a "Gimme' Head Till I'm Dead" T-shirt. Somebody needs a sense of humor. While that is pretty informal, the shirt is a funny touch. Now Asia and the U.S. are making this apology a black tie affair- something REALLY formal and classy. The apology event will probably even have crab cakes and pigs in a blanket!

6 year naps aren't quite enough for some people

A woman who has been in a vegetative state for the last 6 years woke up this week for several days, before slipping back.

"I'm fine," Christa Lilly told her mother on Sunday — her first words in eight months. She has awakened four other times for briefer periods since suffering a heart attack and stroke in November of 2000.

Damn this chick likes to sleep. Apparently "I'm fine" means "I am still HELLA tired, now leave me alone so I can relax for few more years." The creepiest part?

A vegetative state is much like a coma except Lilly's eyes remain open.

Ummmm.... Ok. That wouldn't be weird at all. Watching someone just lay there with their eyes open and not responding or talking at all? Hmmm...Maybe that is the reason why my Dad couldn't live with my Mom. ZING!!!

Wow, NASA is strict!!!

The passionate, insane, wearing a diaper and shitting her pants astronaut Lisa Nowak was wrongfully terminated by NASA today. What the fuck??? Can't an honest, loving woman catch a break anymore? All she did was drive across the country to try and make the love of her life fall in love with HER, and maybe kidnap the dude's girlfriend. Or whatever. I certainly don't see what is wrong with that. The point being, she should be rewarded for her passion, not punished. Who wouldn't want to be stuck in a space shuttle orbiting earth with this perfectly sane woman? Fortunately for her, the Navy doesn't care as much if you wear a diaper to avoid those pesky road side rest stops and then try to kidnap someone.

She will be assigned to the staff at the Chief of Naval Air Training in Corpus Christi, Texas, starting in two weeks, Navy Cmdr. Lydia Robertson said. Robertson said she didn't know what specific job Nowak would be doing.

I have not been in the military, but my first thoughts about what she would be doing might involve "using a toilet to take a shit," "not kidnapping people," and "avoiding felony crimes." I could be WAY off on those, but they would probably be my first guesses.

How are these worth anything???

Godless coins??? My Dad is going to be pissed. If there are lots of storms, earthquakes and tsunamis in the near future, at least you will know the reason. A mega-fuck up at one of the U.S. Mints produced coins without "In God We Trust," which is basically the motto for the United States. If you don't trust in my Dad, who DO you trust???? There are 50,000 of these Godless coins floating around, some going for around $50. I hope good Christians are paying the $50 to get the coins and stamp "In God We Trust" on the coins themselves. Either that or destroy them. The only other acceptable reason for this fuck up is that the Mint just didn't have the "In Jesus We Trust" stamp ready to go. Which is probably what happened, now that I think about it.

Boston continues to distance itself as "America's Most Retarted City"

Wow. This story is certainly one of the most ridiculous I have ever heard of in my 2,000 plus years of existence. It does not hurt Boston's status as the Retard Capitol of the United States. Boston proved its incompetence with their handling of the Mooninite "bombs" last month. That showed just how smart the police force and political offices of the city are. And by smart, I mean most likely smarter than a 9 year old. Now Boston area doctors are proving their intelligence. A Boston woman is suing two doctors and Planned Parenthood based on a failed abortion where she ended up having a child. Jennifer Raper (yea, her last name is Raper. I am sure she asks everyone to pronounce it like "Wrapper," but it sure looks like Raper to me) tried to get an abortion in 2004,

but it "was not done properly, causing the plaintiff to remain pregnant," according to the complaint.

There are not too many things you can fuck up more than an "abortion ending with a child." That is like an "execution not done properly, causing 10 more years of life," or "gastric bypass surgery was not done properly, causing a weight gain of 200 pounds." After the failed abortion, more Boston retards added their expertly retarded opinions:

Raper then went to see Dr. Benjamin Eleonu at Boston Medical Center in July 2004, and he failed to detect the pregnancy even though she was 20 weeks pregnant at the time, the lawsuit alleges.

That is an AWESOME doctor!!! When DOES he know that people are pregnant??? When the baby comes out? "Uhhhh, yes, I see a baby coming out of your vagina. It is my professional medical opinion that you are pregnant!" Does he diagnose AIDS after his patient dies from the disease? It would be pretty sweet to be that baby too. Your mom tried to abort you, and then she is suing because the abortion got fucked up and she actually had to give birth to you. Good luck explaining that one.

"Mommy, what does abortion mean?"
"Sweetie, just know that it has nothing to do with me trying to end my pregnancy and not let you be born. It is basically the opposite of that."

If this doesn't make you feel safe, what does??

30 states in the U.S. put untrained police officers on the street. That is pretty awesome.

"Here you go new police officer. Here is your gun for you to legally shoot people. And here is your badge. Your training? Haha. Good one. Now go out there and stop crime!"

It allows departments to put new hires on the streets right away, without waiting for them to go through police academy training, which is usually a full-time, weeks- or months long exercise during which the officer is not on duty but still on the payroll. In some places, there are waiting lists to get into the academy.

This either says that it is so easy to be a cop that you don't need proper training, or that the cops that are on the street probably should not be there in the first place. Either way, it should make you feel safe! I just became a cop while writing this last sentence.

Sadly, I was 100% correct

My prediction of Wild Hogs dominating the box office was correct (sadly), proving that the American movie goers have officially fallen in love with horrible movies, and especially really bad comedies. While Ghost Rider drives its 1998 era CGI flaming motorcycle towards $100 million (another $11 mil this weekend alone!) and Norbit carries its unfunny fat suit to $90 mil, Wild Hogs topped the weekend with the truly unbelievable $38 million weekend gross. That means roughly 4 million or so people saw Wild Hogs this weekend! 4 million people decided that 2 hours of their life, along with $10, was completely worthless. Confusion, disgust, disappointment, horror, and sin all come to mind. Don't you brainless fools realize that if you keep going to see this unfunny trash, the studios will continue to make them? Next up, Chris Rock's movie will top the box office in a few weeks. YAY!

But I don't WANNA play there!!!!!

Jake "The Snake" Plummer (not to be confused with Jake "The Snake" Roberts) has decided to retire from pro football, rather than to play for the Tampa Bay Bucs, who he had been traded to. This is an important lesson to learn: if you don't like a situation, just quit. Not happy with your marriage? Quit. Don't like your job? Quit. Not happy in school? Quit. But instead of "quitting" call it "retiring" and people can't hate on you.

"Hey Don, how is your marriage?"
"Oh, I retired from that last year."

Congrats Jake, you are a great role model for men and women alike!

Something to think about....

...right before you throw these bastards into the street. Scientists, who obviously got bored trying to prove the theory of global warming and the joke of evolution, found that snails can conserve energy by following each other's snail trails. It takes much less energy to move around in each other's mucus. Good to know. The best thing about snails is that they have a hard shell, so it isn't super gross to pick them up and chuck them into the street. I also hear that they are allergic to salt. And by allergic I mean they melt and turn into a foaming, bubbly goo. Snails were created by Satan, that bastard.

Super Extreme Awesome Radical Kiting Festival

Pakistan may not be good at many things, but they sure as FUCK know how to kite. Their annual Basant Festival (it should really be called the Super Extreme Awesome Radical Kiting Festival) took place recently. Pakistanis are so extreme in their kiting, that people die during this festival. EVERY YEAR. I think of kiting as that innocent boy in the picture, just watching some nylon float in the wind. In Pakistan? That is for pussies.

Most years there are around a dozen fatalities and this year was no exception. Police said celebratory aerial firing claimed several casualties while a seven-year-old child died when his neck was severed by a banned glass-coated nylon kite string.

"La di da di da.... Just riding my bike. Biking is sooo fun! La di da di---- AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! THAT ILLEGAL GLASS COATED NYLON KITE STRING JUST SEVERED MY NECK!!!!! PRAISE BE TO ALLAH!!!! AHHHHHH!!!!"

Six people were killed when they fell from rooftops, two others were electrocuted while attempting to collect kites from power lines and another died in a brawl.

Holy guacamole, Batman. That is one crazy ass festival. They fucking love their kiting. Fighting to the death over a kite? Climbing up live to live power lines? Kids getting their heads chopped off? Fucking fuck.
"Oh, man, that sucks! Your kite got stuck in those power lines!"
"That's no big deal, I will just climb up there and grab it! What's the worst that could happen?"

Last year the Supreme Court banned all kite-flying in Pakistan but a public outcry -- and perhaps the knowledge that military ruler is a big Basant fan -- saw the ban lifted for this year's festival.

You can't stop them from their kiting Mr. Supreme Court jerk! They love to kite, and they don't care how many people die!! EVERY YEAR. I guess you just can't stop the Super Extreme Awesome Radical Kiting Festival. It is simply too awesome. And extreme. Pretty radical too.

You call it "pollution," I call it.....

Divine intervention. Or maybe Divine experimentation. Scientists have turned dude frogs into hot chick frogs with some pollutants. Or so they think. My Dad and I are trying out some Divine, "miraculous" science of our own. Well not science, since science is just a myth. The scientists are trying to prove why frogs are going extinct, and think they have found a reason with all of the pollutants in the world. Pollution is fake. Global warming is the most commonly believed myth, second only the theory of evolution. My Dad and I are practicing on these dumb frogs, as we will begin turning male embryos into female ones. There are already enough douche bags on Earth, and there are simply never enough hot ass chicks. So we are doing something about it. You are welcome.

I know, I know. I have totally been MIA recently

I do miss you, my beautiful children. I will be back this week because I have so much on my mind. The James Cameron documentary, man frogs turning into female frogs, the San Diego church declaring for bankruptcy, a killer (and by killer I mean killer) kite festival in Pakistan, and My awesome popularity in the U.S.

I apologize for my absense, but your prayers have not been unheard. Keep the faith my loyal followers, as you do not want to be the one who abandons me when I come back to Earth.

And So It Was Written.....

If thou needeth a parking spot for Church on Sunday, and thou does not feelith like looking for a parking spot, then THOU SHALT DOUBLE PARK!!!

I need to get some of these as guards

Now, you know I am sick of all of you evolutionary theorists trying to drown me your nonsense evolution babble. My Dad created the Earth. End of argument. But I CAN get with chimps using spears as weapons. I just ordered a few to guard the gates of Heaven. The best part is, when they run out of spears, they can just throw their shit. Literally.

By the way, how can you convince me that humans came from monkeys when it took monkeys until now to even figure out how to use a spear. We had swords, spears, catapults, whips, daggers, and tons of other cool weapons back when I was on Earth. And that was thousands of years ago!!! Just more proof against the "theory" of evolution. I think it should be called the "joke" of evolution, cause that's all it really is.

They must have gone to a public school

40% of women in India have never heard of AIDS. I would bet that they probably went to a public school- a school without prayer and My teachings.

"This shows women don't have access to information, translating into more women getting infected," said Anjali Gopalan, head of Naz Foundation India, a leading anti-AIDS group.

I am pretty sure that this shows that there are not enough Churches and Christian schools, translating into: "They have not learned the teachings of Jesus Christ."

I just ordered the sunglasses version

The Phoenix airport will begin using a scanner that can see thru clothes. BOOYA! About time. Didn't they have this in Total Recall? And that was 17 years ago!!! I just ordered mine in the sunglasses version. It cost a bit more, but I also got it with the testitcal and penis blocker. I think it will be well worth the extra cash. I wanna see some boobies and tang, not the fruit bowl! Normally I hate the Oscars, or any awards show for that matter (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING), but now I am pretty excited for the red carpet. Helloooooooooooo Jessica Alba...

Wow.... What a night

I woke up this morning to this. What the hell happened last night? All I know is I must have been thirsty! I passed out after beer # 10,000. And what the FUCK was I doing in Salt Lake City? That place sucks.... I hope there were no paparazzi out last night, cause I might have done some things last night that would hurt my rep.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probably the most accurate depiction of me ever.

A slow day in the house of your Lord

I know, I know.... Lazy day from your Lord and Savior. Some random notes from around the world.

-Tim Hardaway retracted his extremely homophopic statements while being interviewed by lifelong friend Scoop Jackson. Sort of. He said he should'nt have used the word hate, but he doesn't accept anything about a gay person, their lifestyle, and if he saw a gay person he would walk away from them and avoid them. So when he says he doesn't HATE them, he means he only hates them. A lot. Thanks for clearing that up Timmy.

- Britney Spears is doing extremely well, and she seems to be in a great mental place. She shaved her head and entered rehab for the 3rd time in a week. Same thing I do when I am feeling so good. Maybe she is addicted to going to rehab? Who knows, but I am glad she is getting back on her feet so quickly! Wait, Brit, that's not how you use an umbrella!!! Oh, what a joker.

- Anna Nicole's face continues to decompose at an alarming rate. At this pace, her skull will have melted into a gelatinous mass by 6 pm HST today (That's Heaven Standard Time, which means what ever fucking time I decide it is). Her 5 month old daughter was also put into the custody of a lawyer. That kid is in for a super sweet, totally normal life.

- The NBA trade deadline came and went, with nary a good trade to be had. Unless, of course, you have always been praying for a Juan Dixon for Fred Jones monster trade. If that is the case, you just had the best day of your life. You are welcome.

If you have read this far, then I will let you know it is time for J-Dog to go find a quiet, comfy spot of cloud to curl up on a take a nap. Being the Son of God does have its advantages.

Hmmm... Don't think this is a good sign

I am not an official coroner (just something I dabble in from time to time. Fortunately, the souls that are fortunate enough to make it up here are already dead. Their actual rotting human flesh remains buried on earth. Suckers). I am not positive, but pretty sure, that this is not supposed to happen: Anna Nicole's body is decomposing at an alarming rate.

"If the body is to be viewed, it must be done this week, Saturday or before," Perper said. "If it is next week, they cannot guarantee that there won't be changes to affect the deceased, especially to her face."

I HATE it when my face rots faster than normal. It really sucks when that happens. Maybe it was the tons of surgery? "Uhhhhhh, I don't know how to put this, but all the surgery and botox in her face is making it rot faster than an open avocado. Seriously, it is pretty gross. Can we just bury her already? No, I am serious. It is like a gigantic bruised banana." Or maybe the massive weight gains/ losses has something to do with this? The methadone? Alcohol? Drugs? Maybe Trimspa works by decomposing fat. Who knows what the hell is going on with this woman, but even after death, she is still as crazy as ever.

(By the way she seemed pretty together on that video that was released this week that showed her face painted like a clown and not understanding one word of the English language. Seemed just like my typical Thursday morning)

But did they walk on water?

3 athletes just finished running across the Sahara Desert. The whole thing. In 111 days, covering 4,000 plus miles. They AVERAGED about 2 marathons a day.

Throughout the run, the runners have been stricken with tendinitis, severe diarrhea, cramping and knee injuries all while running through the intense heat and wind — often without a paved road in sight.

Wow. Sounds pretty fun. I love to run 40 miles a day while shitting my pants. Actually, there is not too many things on my list of "Super Fun Stuff" above that. Actually, only "Eating shards of glass while being set on fire" is the only thing ahead of "Running across the desert in 100 plus degree heat while shitting my pants with diarrhea." Invite me along for the next run, dudes. I am TOTALLY in. Now excuse me while I go eat a lot of greasy Chinese food, Mexican food, and laxatives and then go on a long run.

NOOOO! Another sports Iron Man gets hurt

First Grant Hill, and now this? What is going on to these seemingly made of steel athletes? What cruelty my Dad must have in his heart these days. Ken Griffey, Jr., the extremely positive, friendly and un-injurable star of the Cincy Reds, broke his hand wrestling with his kids. Griffey has only been on the DL 8 times in his 7 years with the Reds, which is barely more than once per season. And in the last 6 years, he has played a whopping almost 51% of the regular season games. I thought Cal Ripken's record was as good as broken. Griffey said that the wrestling was simply

"Dad being Dad."

That is the same thing that my Dad says when He rains fire from a volcano onto an unsuspecting city!

At this rate, Wild Hogs will be the #1 movie of the year

Wow. Movie goers continue to absolutely blow my mind. Ghost Rider posted a $45 MILLION dollar weekend. WHO SAW THIS!! WHY!!?!?!?! I can condone watching it at home on DVD in 5 months (maybe). But paying $12 to see it in the theater? Just to let you know, you NEVER get those 2 hours back. They are gone. Forever. I hope you enjoyed the 2002 special effects and the cash grabbing Nicholas "I will do your movie. No, seriously. Cast me already" Cage.

Norbit made another $20 million this weekend, bloating the movie's total to over $60 million (about $59.2 million more than I thought it would make). Well, I guess with this logic, Wild Hogs will no doubt smash box office records, with lines down the block and people camping out overnight to get the best seats. I mean, seriously, if someone told me a few years back that there would be a comedy starring Tim Allen, John Travolta AND Ma-in Lawrence, I simply would not believe you. How will all that comedic talent be able to share the same screen? That movie is probably 4 hours long to fit in all the humor. I can't wait. If you need me, you can find me at the local movie-plex in line for Wild Hogs, opening March 2nd! I better hurry down there, I want to be first in line!!!

I thought this was already a fact

Legitimate, scientific studies continue to prove the power of prayer and spirituality. In a study done in Rome(a totally unbiased, mostly non-religious city where ONLY 88% of the population is Roman-Catholic) said that stroke victims healed better when religious faith was present. No shit. How about scientists start studying things that people DON'T know the answers to. Like, how do I turn the stereo on when I am watching TV. Why would I want to do that, you ask? Because I like to party.