I know, I know. I have totally been MIA recently

I do miss you, my beautiful children. I will be back this week because I have so much on my mind. The James Cameron documentary, man frogs turning into female frogs, the San Diego church declaring for bankruptcy, a killer (and by killer I mean killer) kite festival in Pakistan, and My awesome popularity in the U.S.

I apologize for my absense, but your prayers have not been unheard. Keep the faith my loyal followers, as you do not want to be the one who abandons me when I come back to Earth.

And So It Was Written.....

If thou needeth a parking spot for Church on Sunday, and thou does not feelith like looking for a parking spot, then THOU SHALT DOUBLE PARK!!!

I need to get some of these as guards

Now, you know I am sick of all of you evolutionary theorists trying to drown me your nonsense evolution babble. My Dad created the Earth. End of argument. But I CAN get with chimps using spears as weapons. I just ordered a few to guard the gates of Heaven. The best part is, when they run out of spears, they can just throw their shit. Literally.

By the way, how can you convince me that humans came from monkeys when it took monkeys until now to even figure out how to use a spear. We had swords, spears, catapults, whips, daggers, and tons of other cool weapons back when I was on Earth. And that was thousands of years ago!!! Just more proof against the "theory" of evolution. I think it should be called the "joke" of evolution, cause that's all it really is.

They must have gone to a public school

40% of women in India have never heard of AIDS. I would bet that they probably went to a public school- a school without prayer and My teachings.

"This shows women don't have access to information, translating into more women getting infected," said Anjali Gopalan, head of Naz Foundation India, a leading anti-AIDS group.

I am pretty sure that this shows that there are not enough Churches and Christian schools, translating into: "They have not learned the teachings of Jesus Christ."

I just ordered the sunglasses version

The Phoenix airport will begin using a scanner that can see thru clothes. BOOYA! About time. Didn't they have this in Total Recall? And that was 17 years ago!!! I just ordered mine in the sunglasses version. It cost a bit more, but I also got it with the testitcal and penis blocker. I think it will be well worth the extra cash. I wanna see some boobies and tang, not the fruit bowl! Normally I hate the Oscars, or any awards show for that matter (BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING), but now I am pretty excited for the red carpet. Helloooooooooooo Jessica Alba...

Wow.... What a night

I woke up this morning to this. What the hell happened last night? All I know is I must have been thirsty! I passed out after beer # 10,000. And what the FUCK was I doing in Salt Lake City? That place sucks.... I hope there were no paparazzi out last night, cause I might have done some things last night that would hurt my rep.

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Probably the most accurate depiction of me ever.

A slow day in the house of your Lord

I know, I know.... Lazy day from your Lord and Savior. Some random notes from around the world.

-Tim Hardaway retracted his extremely homophopic statements while being interviewed by lifelong friend Scoop Jackson. Sort of. He said he should'nt have used the word hate, but he doesn't accept anything about a gay person, their lifestyle, and if he saw a gay person he would walk away from them and avoid them. So when he says he doesn't HATE them, he means he only hates them. A lot. Thanks for clearing that up Timmy.

- Britney Spears is doing extremely well, and she seems to be in a great mental place. She shaved her head and entered rehab for the 3rd time in a week. Same thing I do when I am feeling so good. Maybe she is addicted to going to rehab? Who knows, but I am glad she is getting back on her feet so quickly! Wait, Brit, that's not how you use an umbrella!!! Oh, what a joker.

- Anna Nicole's face continues to decompose at an alarming rate. At this pace, her skull will have melted into a gelatinous mass by 6 pm HST today (That's Heaven Standard Time, which means what ever fucking time I decide it is). Her 5 month old daughter was also put into the custody of a lawyer. That kid is in for a super sweet, totally normal life.

- The NBA trade deadline came and went, with nary a good trade to be had. Unless, of course, you have always been praying for a Juan Dixon for Fred Jones monster trade. If that is the case, you just had the best day of your life. You are welcome.

If you have read this far, then I will let you know it is time for J-Dog to go find a quiet, comfy spot of cloud to curl up on a take a nap. Being the Son of God does have its advantages.

Hmmm... Don't think this is a good sign

I am not an official coroner (just something I dabble in from time to time. Fortunately, the souls that are fortunate enough to make it up here are already dead. Their actual rotting human flesh remains buried on earth. Suckers). I am not positive, but pretty sure, that this is not supposed to happen: Anna Nicole's body is decomposing at an alarming rate.

"If the body is to be viewed, it must be done this week, Saturday or before," Perper said. "If it is next week, they cannot guarantee that there won't be changes to affect the deceased, especially to her face."

I HATE it when my face rots faster than normal. It really sucks when that happens. Maybe it was the tons of surgery? "Uhhhhhh, I don't know how to put this, but all the surgery and botox in her face is making it rot faster than an open avocado. Seriously, it is pretty gross. Can we just bury her already? No, I am serious. It is like a gigantic bruised banana." Or maybe the massive weight gains/ losses has something to do with this? The methadone? Alcohol? Drugs? Maybe Trimspa works by decomposing fat. Who knows what the hell is going on with this woman, but even after death, she is still as crazy as ever.

(By the way she seemed pretty together on that video that was released this week that showed her face painted like a clown and not understanding one word of the English language. Seemed just like my typical Thursday morning)

But did they walk on water?

3 athletes just finished running across the Sahara Desert. The whole thing. In 111 days, covering 4,000 plus miles. They AVERAGED about 2 marathons a day.

Throughout the run, the runners have been stricken with tendinitis, severe diarrhea, cramping and knee injuries all while running through the intense heat and wind — often without a paved road in sight.

Wow. Sounds pretty fun. I love to run 40 miles a day while shitting my pants. Actually, there is not too many things on my list of "Super Fun Stuff" above that. Actually, only "Eating shards of glass while being set on fire" is the only thing ahead of "Running across the desert in 100 plus degree heat while shitting my pants with diarrhea." Invite me along for the next run, dudes. I am TOTALLY in. Now excuse me while I go eat a lot of greasy Chinese food, Mexican food, and laxatives and then go on a long run.

NOOOO! Another sports Iron Man gets hurt

First Grant Hill, and now this? What is going on to these seemingly made of steel athletes? What cruelty my Dad must have in his heart these days. Ken Griffey, Jr., the extremely positive, friendly and un-injurable star of the Cincy Reds, broke his hand wrestling with his kids. Griffey has only been on the DL 8 times in his 7 years with the Reds, which is barely more than once per season. And in the last 6 years, he has played a whopping almost 51% of the regular season games. I thought Cal Ripken's record was as good as broken. Griffey said that the wrestling was simply

"Dad being Dad."

That is the same thing that my Dad says when He rains fire from a volcano onto an unsuspecting city!

At this rate, Wild Hogs will be the #1 movie of the year

Wow. Movie goers continue to absolutely blow my mind. Ghost Rider posted a $45 MILLION dollar weekend. WHO SAW THIS!! WHY!!?!?!?! I can condone watching it at home on DVD in 5 months (maybe). But paying $12 to see it in the theater? Just to let you know, you NEVER get those 2 hours back. They are gone. Forever. I hope you enjoyed the 2002 special effects and the cash grabbing Nicholas "I will do your movie. No, seriously. Cast me already" Cage.

Norbit made another $20 million this weekend, bloating the movie's total to over $60 million (about $59.2 million more than I thought it would make). Well, I guess with this logic, Wild Hogs will no doubt smash box office records, with lines down the block and people camping out overnight to get the best seats. I mean, seriously, if someone told me a few years back that there would be a comedy starring Tim Allen, John Travolta AND Ma-in Lawrence, I simply would not believe you. How will all that comedic talent be able to share the same screen? That movie is probably 4 hours long to fit in all the humor. I can't wait. If you need me, you can find me at the local movie-plex in line for Wild Hogs, opening March 2nd! I better hurry down there, I want to be first in line!!!

I thought this was already a fact

Legitimate, scientific studies continue to prove the power of prayer and spirituality. In a study done in Rome(a totally unbiased, mostly non-religious city where ONLY 88% of the population is Roman-Catholic) said that stroke victims healed better when religious faith was present. No shit. How about scientists start studying things that people DON'T know the answers to. Like, how do I turn the stereo on when I am watching TV. Why would I want to do that, you ask? Because I like to party.

Uhhh, I am pretty sure it is NOT that old

See this frog? People are claiming it is 25 MILLION years old! What a joke! I just checked with my Dad, only the most reliable source of information ever because he created everything, even you. And He told me that the entire earth isn't even 25 million years old. It is those DAD-DAMNED evolutionary theorists trying to plant their evolutionary agenda into your mind. Do NOT believe a word they say. If someone tries to convince you that evolution is more than just some wacko theory, you say, "Well God created everything. Even you, you stupid jerk." And when they ask you to prove it, you say, "Wait, it is right here in my pocket," and you reach into your pocket, and when you pull your hand out you just punch them right in their stupid, arrogant, think they know it all face and say "That was straight from God, you stupid liberal pussy! There is your proof! Do you need proof from my other pocket, too?"

New Study: People ate food 6,000 years ago

NO FUCKING WAY!!! I thought 6,000 years ago people were born, and since they didn't know how to eat yet, they just lived until they starved to death. Or maybe they ate, but they didn't have any kick ass food places like Chili's (Awesome Blossom, extra Awesome), In N Out (4x4 animal style), or Applebee's (Eatin fuckin good in the neighborhood, bitch!) so they just ate super boring food like beans and rice. Well, check this shit out:

"New fossil evidence shows prehistoric people from southern Peru up to the Bahamas were cultivating varieties of chilies millennia before Columbus' arrival brought the spice to world cuisine.

"Some people who have described ancient food ways as being simple will probably have to rethink their ideas because of this work," said lead researcher Linda Perry of the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History."

Holy Shit (kind of like the holy shit I just flushed down the toilet)! This will totally make me rethink EVERYTHING about how those ancient retards lived! Wow. That just blew my genius mind. What's next, you are going to find evidence that ancient societies slept and had sex too? Come on, you can only convince me of one absolutely ridiculous thing a day. Now who's up for some Applebee's? My treat, you pay.

Man on Earth says he is Jesus Christ; is wrong (but is also an insane genius)

Jose Luis de Jesus Miranda (or J Lu for short) is claiming to be Jesus Christ (Me). Pretty funny, J Lu. Still only one Jesus. When I come back down to earth, I will be myself. I will not hop into the body of a 60 year old dude. How am I supposed to get all the chicks lookin like that? I will come back as chiseled as ever, since I have a personal chef, and my style has always been on point. Anyway, J Lu is running a huge church, and getting people to buy in to the fact that he is Me. Literally.

"I don’t have one Rolex,” de Jesus Miranda said, “I have 3 because they want to give it to me. It's like that woman that came to Jesus with the expensive perfume and put it on his feet. He didn’t reject it, so when someone gives me a watch or a gift, I receive it. I like them too, they're nice."

BALLIN!! I have a feeling this guy is pretty much insane, but at least he knows how to BALL! I as well do not have one Rolex. I have 3. And by 3 I mean 3 Million. To steal a line from J Lu - I like them too, they're are nice. Especially all iced out.

“He destroyed my family,” said former member Regina Albarracin, who left the church about 5 years ago. Her husband soon followed but their son Alvaro remained to become one of the ministry's biggest financial backers, donating more than $1 million to the church.

This bitch is just jealous. She just wanted the $1 million to herself. Man, J Lu sure knows how to get that money! He also convinced his followers to get "666" tattoos, since he claims there is no devil or hell. Wrong and Wrong, but whatever bro. Keep doing that preachin thing and gettin them Rolexes. Don't hate the preacher, hate his 3 Rolexes and millions of dollars, and thousands of crazy, devoted followers. You know this! BALLIN!!

Apparently, Homeless people are not immune to fire

Huh... I can honestly say I did not know that. I figured that becuase homeless people are a different species, combined with the leather like quality of their skin from the constant exposure the the elements, I would have thought they were immune to catching on fire. Well Mia Sagote and Leslie Siliga, you certainly proved me wrong. Mia and Leslie (fellow hobos) have known Leslie "Jill" "Legs" (seriously- an old nickname, but you never really lose your nickname, do you) May (pictured above) from years of being homeless together. Legs was a crack, heroin addicted former prostitute, at least until Mia and Leslie got their hands on her. They took her to the Candlestick Park parking lot, doused her in gasoline, and set her on fire. Why, you ask? Well, Legs's boyfriend (hold the phone!!! She had a boyfriend???? HOLY CRAP!!!) owed Mia $150. that is a perfectly good reason to kidnap someone, douse them in gas and set them a blazin'. I always collect money owed to me, and I have done much worse for much less money. And when I say much less money I mean much more money- at least $15,000. Anything less than that I just send my hired goons out. It is too much of a hassle.

(The whole story is actually really awful and gruesome, and Legs lived what seemed to be a pretty shitty life. Unless you don't consider your mom dying from alcohol poisioning when you are 12, getting raped and impregnated by your dad at 16, being a prostitute, becoming addicted to crack and heroin, losing all of your teeth, being homeless, then being burned alive all that bad. Then it would be a sweet life. I wouldn't make fun of it if I wasn't Jesus Christ, Son of God, Lord and Savior of all of mankind who wishes to be saved for eternity. But I am, so I can take such liberties)

Going to major extremes to get out of Valentine's Day

I am not a big fan of Valentine's Day. Any made up holiday with the sole purpose of making guys spend excessive amounts of money is not cool with me. Either some genius woman, Hallmark, a chocolate company, or a rose farm came up with it. I am convinced. I know plenty of dudes that try to come up with any excuse possible to avoid the dreaded Valentine's Day date. But some people in India are taking getting out of Valentine's Day to a major extreme.



Hardline Hindu activists protested against celebrations of St Valentine's Day in the Indian capital on Wednesday, calling them immoral and a corruption of the country's ancient civilisation.

Shiv Sena gathered in New Delhi, shouting "Down with Western culture!" and "Death to Valentine's Day!" as they waved saffron-coloured flags.

"Valentine's Day promotes obscene cards and nudity and encourages our youngsters to be publicly affectionate in parks and other places -- this is against our ancient civilisation," said Jai Bhagwan Goyal, head of Shiv Sena in the capital.

Wow... Way to go dudes... Sort of. Well, actually not really. I always thought the best way out of a Valentine's Day date was to just go radio silent, avoid all calls for a few days, and then hit the singles scene at night. Best night to meet girls- they are all super jealous of their friends getting taken out and want a man of their own. And you KNOW if they are out at the bars on Valentine's Day they are definitely single. You reduce the chance of getting the dreaded "Oh, I have a boyfriend" line at the end of the night after buying 5 drinks for her and talking to her for 2 hours to almost zero. Helloooo ladies. Jesus is single and ready to mingle.

But a full on protest, including burning Valentine's Day cards is a bit extreme. Looks like they found a new way to get out of Valentine's Day, I guess. It is not the way I would go about it, but you gotta appreciate their creativity. However, protestor dudes, I don't think that this is the best way to get yourself laid on Valentine's. You might want to reconsider this, calm down a bit and shell out the money next year. Unless your girl is really into protests and burning shit. Then you are IN!

Study: Blind people cannot see, hear hybrid cars

In a new study, hybrid cars have been found to be very dangerous to blind people because they drive with so little sound. First, blind people can't even SEE the cars, and now they can't hear them either? This is certainly a dangerous situation. They should probably install sirens on all hybrids to make sure that everyone can hear them coming. Or pass a law where the driver of the hybrid has to honk really loud before hitting any blind pedestrian. Thaaanks!

Your weekly movie to not see

In between being your personal Lord and Savior, I also try to help you out during your free time on Earth. I will save you about 2 hours of your life, and personally advise you to NOT see Ghost Rider. Nicholas Cage has pretty much reached his:

"We will pay you $4 Mi--"
"YES, I WILL DO IT! I WILL BE IN YOUR MOVIE!!!"
"You don't even know what it is called or what it is about."
"I don't CARE! I will be in the movie. OK? When do I get my check?"

phase of his career. He is slated to star in 4 movies in 2007 and an astounding 5 movies in 2008. Hopefully they can crank out some more scripts for him and he can be in 10 movies next year. I can't really blame him for the shameless cash grabs, but you might want to consider reading the script first. Or maybe at least seeing some of the CGI for Ghost Rider. It looks like a bad video game. For the Playstation. 1.

(In a related story that even Yours Truly could not make up, Nicholas has a REAL Ghost Rider tattoo that he had to cover up during the filming of the movie. Hopefully he got paid extra for that, cause it seems like he will have plenty of free time in between his 38 movie shoots over the next year)

It is Official: I am running for U.S. President in 2008

With all of these new candidates putting their names into the 2008 Presidential Race, I could not hold back my announcement any longer. I am officially running for President of the United States in 2008. I feel that the time and the attitude of the United States is ready to have the honor of Jesus Christ, the Lord and Savior of the World, as their leader. I will run on the platform of my supreme awesomeness, and will complete what G Dub B started in transforming the great United States into an official Theocracy. I will be performing many miracles during my nationwide tour, which will no doubt generate plenty of publicity and huge, cheering crowds. I am not sure who my running mate will be, as it is to early to make such an important decision.

More information will be announced in the coming months leading up to the election. But with all of your support, there is no doubt in my mind I will be your next President!

And so it was written: It is your fate- you will vote for Jesus in '08!

It shall be so: Jesus will Dominate in 2008!

This is just getting ridiculous

A new research group believes that 4,300 years ago, chimps were using stones as hammers to crack open nuts. This "theory" is ridiculous on so many levels. It is just the continuation of liberals promoting their evolutionary agenda, trying to disprove my teachings, miracles, and basically my entire life, as well as everything my Dad has worked so hard to create on Earth.

I am so sick of all of these evolutionary theorists trying to convince the rest of us sane people that humans came from monkeys. It is just an absurd thing to even think about. Last time I checked, I DO NOT have hair all over my face, hands, legs, back, stomach, and feet. Look at that chimp- it doesn't even look AT ALL like a person. So dumb. Next thing you are going to try and convince me of is that my Dad didn't create the entire universe. I am sick of arguing about this, cause you can't argue with facts. I am going to go perform some miracles to cheer myself up. Anyone have some water? I feel like getting boozed up. On wine! Cause I can turn water INTO wine. You probably already knew that though.

What is the daily special? Giant Rabbit? Hmmmmm... Sounds good, but I will go with the Roasted Dog.

North Korea has turned to Karl Szmolinsky to aide in feeding the nation. Karl breeds extremely large rabbits. He is from East Germany, so there is almost certainly no use of steroids or other chemicals to make the rabbits extra big.

"One adult animal can feed a family of six," Szmolinsky said.

Well that is pretty awesome! A huge, jumbo rabbit for dinner. It should break up the monotony of weekly dinners so they don't have to enjoy dog EVERY night.

Seriously, who saw this?

Eddie Murphy's newest unfunny movie Norbit opened on Friday. I figured it would go quietly into the night with literally nobody ever actually watching it. Well I guess never underestimate the power of Eddie Murphy. I need to check in with Satan downstairs to see if Eddie made any arrangements with him, if you know what I mean. He hasn't made a funny movie in many, many years. Yet, Norbit opened to a $33 MILLION weekend!! Are you serious? Somebody, ANYBODY, confess to seeing this nonsense. I think that there must have been a glitch in the reporting. I would believe 1 or 2 less zeros on that figure. $330,000 is MUCH more believable than $33 mil.

I thought the tag line to the movie "Have you ever made a really big mistake?" was a warning NOT to see the movie, as in "Have you ever made the really big mistake of paying $10 to see a horrible movie and felt like you just threw away 2 hours of your life?"

Wait, she died??

Anna Nicole died last week??? You would think this would be a pretty big news story that someone might cover either on TV or online. I only found out cause she was at the gates of Heaven begging to get in, all hopped up on some sort of pills. I haven't decided what to do yet, but she would be a pretty annoying addition to Heaven. I figure I will let her sober up a bit and see how she acts without all the drugs in her. Since we don't have an endless supply of pills and Trimspa up here, I could see her getting back to her monstrous size and eating every twinkie, cupcake and ho-ho in sight.

The media outlets must be slipping, because you think there would be at least ONE story about her dying. Really weird.

At least they know who to thank

My dad and I got a TON of props last night at the yearly self promotion, ass kissing festival that is the Grammys. It is nice to hear all those celebrities know who to thank for their success and award winning music: My Dad and Me. No one gave us more props than Mary J. Blige, who thanked BOTH my Dad and Me. Awesome. Good work Mary. Most people simply thank Me or my Dad separately, but not both at the same time. Pretty sweet.

I of course did not watch the Grammys. I don't know how anyone can sit thru 3 hours of that garbage. Who votes on the Grammy nominees and winners anyway? Do you have to be 65 years old and up to get a vote? I am surprised that Tony Bennett, Bette Midler, Elvis and Frank Sinatra don't win every award.

I had a slow week of posts

I apologize, my children, for a very lackluster performance on my blog this week. Even your personal Lord and Savior gets lazy from time to time. If all of you pray to me, ask forgiveness for your many sins, and party hard this weekend I will to my best to come back with a vengeance next week.

Enjoy the weekend my loyal followers, and may Dad be with you.

The lesson is: There is no reason to be nice to extremely cheap, money grubbing rich old ladies

A NYC taxi cab driver returned a suitcase full of diamonds to a very cheap old woman yesterday. The driver spent several hours searching for the old hag, and this is AFTER she had tipped him 30 cents on a $9.70 fare. Quick recap: She tipped him 30 cents, she left a case full of diamonds in his car (with a little help from yours truly), and he doesn't get the hint that the miserly old bitch doesn't deserve her diamonds and he returns them. IDIOT! His "reward" for returning the diamonds? The enormous amount of $100. Better open up an offshore account for that! I would put half into a mutual fund, and the other half into stocks. I know a guy, who knows a guy if you want some investment advice.

Why not just change it to Douchey McDoucherson?

A "diehard" Bears fan legally changed his name to Peyton Manning yesterday, after betting a bunch of fans at a bar on Sunday. He proclaimed that if the Bears lost, he would change his name to that of the long necked, commercial loving, hair style dominating favorite of Indy. Now, I am all in favor of paying up on bets (I don't take lightly to late payments. If you make a bet with J-Dog, be prepared for me to collect. Unless you like broken bones and eternity in Hell). But this guy is just an idiot. I mean, he didn't even take the points! Just a straight up bet. Basically a lose-lose. He should have changed his name to "Iamafreakinretardidiotmorondouche Peyton Manning" and just ask that everyone call him by his middle name.

He is SO totally, like, NOT gay

Ted Haggard, the normal, responsible HETEROSEXUAL former of president of the National Association of Evangelicals said yesterday that he has been "healed" and is no longer homosexual.

"His three weeks of counseling, in Phoenix felt like "three years' worth of analysis and treatment," but now "Jesus is starting to put me back together," Haggard wrote in the e-mail message"

First off, I had nothing to do with taking him apart or putting him together. Second, why would anyone think he was a homosexual in the first place? All he did was have a gay relationship with a male prostitute for 3 years. MAYBE if the relationship went on for 9 or 10 years, then he MIGHT be gay. But having sex with a dude for only 3 years?? That's just a phase. Especially when you are a full grown adult with a wife and kids. Totally normal. Sometimes, you may need to have gay sex hundreds and hundreds of times before you realize that it might not be your thing, just like Ted Haggard did.

Sex with dudes and meth has never really been my thing, but listen, Christians, I am glad you worship me and send me tons of cash and all, but could you try and not be so insane? It's starting to bring down my street cred. I am all about partying, naked women, hot tubbing, TV and sports. If you want to punish people for having a little fun, keep my name out of your mouth. But don't forget to keep that money flowin' up to heaven! I didn't die for all of your sins without the promise of long term financial wealth. J-Dog wants to put some new shoes on my brand new Lambo! I may make a lot of money, but I spend a lot of money too. BALLIN!

Plague-ing People Has Never Been So Easy!

There is a new site out there that lets you send plagues to friends via email! Now you can send all of the plagues that people really suffered thru thousands of years ago to anyone! Here is an email I sent to my old friend Peter. I gave him the plague of Boils!! HAHA!! That is gonna SUCK! And here is one I sent to my Mom. She got the plague of lice! And She HATES bugs. HA!

Go here to smite all of your friends and family with a plague. It must be some technological breakthru that the documentary The Reaping came up with. I am disappointed I cannot send the plague of the puking cow, death of the first born, or darkness though. So weak! Cause I was totally gonna Plague my Dad with the puking cow.

Easy Burn Oven

Hasbro is recalling almost a million Easy Bake Ovens because hands and fingers can get stuck in the opening and burn you. Information I could have used YESTERDAY! While I was baking my favorite cookies (the My Little Pony Cutie Cookie of course), I tried to close the door to let them cook. The door slammed shut on my hand, burning me badly. Good thing I am no longer a human, so it didn't even hurt. My frustration is that now I have to return my Easy Bake, and wait for them to ship a new one! How am I supposed to make my Oreo Cake tonight?

I guess I will have to stick to making Sno-Cones from the My Little Pony Sno-Cone machine until I get my new, safe Easy Bake. A sad, sad day in the Kitchen of the Lord. Please pray for a quick arrival of my new oven.

Now THIS is how you get the man of your dreams...

...drive 900 miles (wearing a diaper of course. stopping to go to the bathroom can be SO time consuming), get a mallet, a knife, rubber tubes, garbage bags, a wig, BB gun, pepper spray and try to kidnap the woman who stands in your way! If that is not devotion and love, PLEASE, tell me what is. Oh, and this woman is a U.S. Astronaut.

Lisa Marie Nowak, as an astronaut. Pre 900 mile diaper assisted marathon drive to kidnap the woman interfering with the relationship SHE should be having with her love.

Whaaaaaaa!?!?! This woman is crazy!?!!?! Seriously!??? Come on!! You are just messing with me, right??

The entire news story is here, which contains too many odd details to include. Some of the highlights:

She found out when the other woman was landing at an airport, waited for her to land, got onto the same airport shuttle, and followed her to her car, wearing a wig. "Dressed in a wig and a trench coat, she waited for Shipman's plane to land and then boarded the same airport shuttle bus Shipman took to get to her car, police said." Who hasn't done that AT LEAST once?

"Nowak told police that her relationship with Oefelein was "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship," according to an arrest affidavit. Again, totally normal. I mean, they did MORE than just work together, even though it was not romantic. But it could be! SOMEDAY! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE YOU!???!?!

Nowak printed out email conversations between her and her love. Something ALL normal women do. If you don't print out email and IM conversations to prove your love and devotion, you are basically a careless, cold hearted bitch.

I would suggest becoming an astronaut, so you can be trapped in a space shuttle with this normal, caring, loving woman. If only all women could have so much love in their heart.

My new indulgence: baby animal meat

I have gotten really into eating small, baby animals. Call me crazy, but there is something about baby animals that makes them taste so good! I think their tender, young flesh just makes for better eatin'. Oh, the wonderful privileges of being Jesus.

Come forth, little puppy, and let me dine on thy young puppy meat. Children, watch and learn on how to devour a small dog.

You cannot hide, little sheep, as my powerful hand shall swipe you up and make you my dinner!

Thank you, mother tiger, for delivering me my most favorite of meals: baby tiger. You shall be blessed for eternity. Now leave me be so I may rip your baby limb from limb and enjoy the tender meat. Does thou happen have any bar-b-q sauce? Thou shalt not hide the sauce from me!

An ass kicking is on the way...

Spencer on the Hills has a serious beat down coming his way. Sue me for watching bad Reality TV (well, technically you can't sue me since I live in Heaven, I am your Lord and Savior, and if you sued me I would instantly banish you to hell for eternity. But if that is worth your trouble, go right ahead). This serious douche thinks he is a tough SOB, when in reality he is a little punk that needs to get hit by a car. He threatened his girl Heidi's co-worker, but instead looked like just another rich a-hole. After getting in the dudes face, the dude pushed him, to which Spencer responded "Don't touch me, bro, that's assault!"

I COMMAND YOU, MY CHILDREN, TO GO FORTH AND HURT SPENCER THE DOUCHE!!

AND SO IT WAS WRITTEN, THOU SHALT PUNCH SPENCER THE DOUCHE IN THE FACE! AMEN...

(Sorry for the small picture. My infinite powers have once again been thwarted by modern technology)

Paintings from my Super Bowl Party!!

I had several artists working their asses off all day yesterday to capture the wonderful times that is the Annual Heaven Super Bowl Party.



Here is my grand entrance. Look at all the sweet babes playing the trumpet for me. I rock! My parties ALWAYS have the most chicks.

Here is me brewing up Hurricane Ditka for the game. Its really not that hard to get a big storm going when I am so big! I must be a million miles tall! BOOYA!

Of course, I need a foot massage for the entire game. You know how J-Dog does it! Kiss my toes, bitch! What's that? Your hands hurt? Well now your entire body is going to hurt because you just got banished to hell for eternity!! Does anyone else's hands hurt? Didn't think so.

When the game is over, its time for me to collect my winnings. Basically, if you make a bet with Me, be ready to pay up. This loser is begging forgiveness. I ripped his head off 3 seconds later. You just don't come between the Son of God and My money and live to tell about it.

Well, that's all from this years party. Hopefully no one else got their head ripped off.

You are welcome Shawne

"This is God-given talent and that's what I've been showing since I've gotten on a football field. I think over time everybody will see that and know that."

You are welcome, Shawne. Without me, you would not have your great football ability. I don't know why people think you did steroids. So wierd. Just because you test positive for steroids and get a 4 game suspension, people assume you are guilty? All of Shawne's talent has been provided by Me and My powers, so lay off him! Cut him some slack! He was taking a normal supplement with Nandrolone in it. It happens all the time. I mean, just the other day I accidentally sprinkled some anabolic steroids on my eggs. Leave him alone, and let him enjoy the natural talent that I gave him.

Hurricane Ditka + Rex Grossman = Colts Victory

After recieving WAY more prayers from the Bears fans (and by prayers I mean cold, hard cash. I really liked the 108 inch HDTV, John the Pastor in Chicago. Right in time for the game too!)I sent Hurricane Ditka to Miami to try and stop the Colts and Peyton Manning's freak neck. Alas, my super powers could not overcome the ineptitude of Sexy Rexy "The Sex Cannon" Grossman. Man, he really is not that good at the football thing. Rex, if it is not too late, you may want to try a new sport. Or maybe get into selling insurance. Cause I don't think you will be starting for Da Bears next year. Or any other football team in America. I heard the Hamburg Sea Devils may have a roster spot waiting for you.

HE WAS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!!

Rex "The Sex Cannon" Grossman might have partied a little too hard this Super Bowl weekend. I think his main goal of reaching the Super Bowl may have been simply to make sure he was in Miami for all of the sweet parties. He also forgot that this game wasn't three flys up. If it did happen to be the Super Bowl of three flys, he would have been MVP for sure. Also, if there were bonus points for multiple retarted fumbles, he would have dominated that category as well. He may want to consider NEVER going back to Chicago. Ever. Just hire a moving company to get all of your stuff out of there. If your house hasn't been burned down yet that is. I mean, Chicago fans aren't really that passionate, don't hold grudges (they sure let that Steve Bartman one go in a hurry), and don't like to drink, so he should be fine.

HE WAS WHO WE THOUGHT HE WAS!!

UPDATE: Grant Hill Injury

Grant Hill, who suffered the first injury of his career last night, explains exactly how his injury happened:

"I have no idea how it happened," Hill said via cell phone Thursday night. "After the game, my lower extremities were sore, as usual, but I didn't think it was anything of great concern. I went home and woke up in the middle of the night, and when I got up to use the restroom, I could hardly walk on it. I wasn't sure if my wife kicked me in the middle or the night or if it was from the game."

It makes sense. If you have NEVER been injured in your lengthy career, you would have NO IDEA how it might feel. His body is basically made of titanium. Actually more like adamantium, the unbreakable metal that makes up Wolverine's skeleton. I hope Grant can mentally recover from missing the first games of his career. The basketball world must continue forward, no matter how painful it might be. Stay strong, fans. Stay strong.

(Picture note: While it may look like Grant is in street clothes on the bench during the game, he is actually so good he often plays entire games in his street clothes. It's to beat the traffic out of the locker room. Genius I say).

Boston officials officially retards

I know, I know. I am a little obsessed with this story from Boston. But it is just so ridiculously ridiculous, especially with all of the Boston officials trying to blame anyone they can when their own retardation got them in trouble in the first place. The first pic is one of the "bombs." I am no modern weapons expert (I whoop ass in hand to hand combat though. 102,030,030-0 in my MMA career up in Heaven) but I have never ever seen a bomb powered by C batteries. Although 4 C batteries might cause quite an explosion I could imagine. The 2nd pic is good too, showing how flat the "bombs" were. Paper thin bombs powered by C batteries have killed millions and millions of people over the years. Good thing the bomb squad came out to diffuse the bombs and save so many lives.

Every Boston official involved in this joke has had the title of "retard" added to their name in the book of Heaven. And believe me, it is REALLY hard to get those things removed from your permanent record. So congrats, retards.